Saturday, July 19, 2014

Best Email Response on Match

I had a guy like one of my pictures, I found him to be interesting, so I shot him an email.


"Your profile made me laugh and I thought I would respond so I wouldn't be considered a jerk.  THERE are a lot of creeps and weird people on Match and I'm not one of them.  Who knows what THEIR intentions are but THEY'RE annoying a lot of women.  I've had my fun now! I thought you were a pretty woman so I liked your picture as a compliment but I'm not sure we are a match but I'm sure over coffee and a drink you would be fun to have a conversation with and laugh.  Wish you luck in your search.  Sam"

The very last line in my profile states, "If you don't know the difference between "THERE", "THEIR", AND "THEY'RE"  you will make me cringe in horror"

Oh Sam, I adore your wit!! Thank you for the laugh.

My First Worst Date of 2014

It was bound to happen eventually and I've been prepared for it...the worst date in recent history.  

I am going on hiatus from Match when my subscription ends in a few days.  Alex sent me an email, which I appreciate over a wink.  I responded.  Since I'm leaving, I gave him my alias number.  I liked his profile and we had a great hour long conversation.  Very like minded.  We agreed to meet over the weekend.

I should have known when I entered Le Madeline as a late breakfast option and the word "budget" came out of his mouth, this was not going to be a great time. Further into the conversation on Saturday,after sorting out details, he did mention he was all about independence and paying his own way.  Read that as manspeak for "chick, you're on your own"  which really doesn't bother me at all.  I always go into a first meeting with the assumption that it will be dutch.  

IHOP.  Yes, IHOP is where we met.  I love their pancakes which was the only saving grace.  We were meeting at 10:30.  I called him at 10:20 to tell him that my map directions were wrong so his GPS might not work.  He said he's running to the ATM and is running late.  Nice, you could have called but since we have a 20 minute wait anyway it's no harm no foul.

When I meet someone for the first time, I put some care into my appearance.  For crying out loud, I'm a girl.  We do things like that.  Besides, you never know if you're going to fire on all cylinders with the person and you should simply look pretty decent.  Alex shows up in jean (no issue),  a faded grey, graphic t-shirt (nothing says I'm boring like faded grey), and unkempt hair.

Had I possessed thought bubbles:  "Let's hope his conversation is better than his appearance","Dude, you could have combed your hair!", "Really?!?", "Now I see why California let you go", "An hour or less, then I'm outta here"

I am not a judgmental sort.  I'm really not.  I have people in my circle from all walks of life.  However...

We sat at a 4 top, on opposite sides (par for the course); however, instead of directly opposite, he sat adjacent.  I was required to look somewhat sideways.  Waitress was super nice, took our order and brought the coffee and water (and straws).  I poured the coffee and Alex proceeded to take the straw and stir his coffee (after adding in the goodies).  No problem.  That was until he drank his coffee with the straw still in the mug.  He never removed it.  Two cups of coffee consumed with the straw in the mug, mocking me.

Breakfast arrived, conversation continued, with gaps and pauses.  I simply wanted to eat and leave.  Check that, I just wanted to leave.  Not feeling it, not after the stories he's told me.  He has a paralegal degree, a BA in political science, a Masters in Education and no jobs in California.  He came to Texas for a better economic life.  He wants to find a woman who isn't all wrapped up in a man's finances.  HELLO RED FLAG!  I ain't the sugar mama.  He works  two part time jobs as he is looking for a full time position.  Who knows what he wants to do?  I'm not sure he does.

Picture having this conversation with a man who is drinking his coffee with a straw in the mug, while stuffing his face with strawberry and banana pancakes.  No biggie, right?  It isn't, if you aren't looking has his gaping maw full of semi-chewed pancakes.  DEAR LORD IN HEAVEN ABOVE.  But wait, there's more....random clinging food particles on his mouth.


I couldn't look him in the face.  He was droning on and on about people in Texas being folksy and how the California women are so pretentious.  He obviously had not been to Highland Park.  I remedied his notion and proceeded to tell him that women here can be every bit as pretentious and judgmental about men.  I also told him, that by our nature, women do look at men as the protector/defender and with that comes the ability for a man to take care of us.  It's rolled into a complete package and the man has to be able to fill that roll.

I wasn't telling him that money is the only thing, because it isn't.  However, he took it that way and shortly thereafter we ended the meet.  Thank goodness, it was only one hour of my life that I won't have again.  Beyond the lack of basic manners, this jerk stiffed the waitress her portion of his tip.  What kind of person does that?  I was truly offended on her behalf at that point.

There was such a lack of chemistry, we created a sucking, black hole of nothing.  Yes it was that void.  A handshake, a smattering of pleasantries and I got to my car as fast as I could.  I prayed that I wouldn't hear from him.  God listened :)

Being a female, I arrived at my best friend's house as fast as I could to regale her with the awful, but funny details.

In spite of things having slowed to a halt with Normal Guy (he's been textually attentive this week ... uh BFD) and occasional date with Junior (we're going out on Sunday), I still prefer them 1000% over Alex.

It could have been worse.  I actually had a date back in the late 90s (after my divorce) with a man who didn't realize that nostril hair, growing out of the nostrils is grossly unpleasant.  See, it could have been worse.

You take the good.  You take the bad.  You take them both and there you have the facts of meeting prospective dating partners online.  

Tuesday, July 15, 2014

Presenting DirkDiggler1270

I have to say that sometimes the stories simply write themselves.  If I go back to Match in the future, I really have to ensure that I say something about the chest/guns/I'm a stud shots some of these guys post.  Not to mention the pictures from a decade ago.

This guy (Geez I hear cheesy 70s porn music ... I'M IMAGINING, I HAVE NO IDEA...other than having watched Boogie Nights) just creeps me out in so many different ways.  First, this is his only picture.  For the life of me, I can't determine why he's even a "match".

Sure that picture exudes male confidence.  I'm totally digging on the shaggy hair and the stache...oh hotness.  Slather him up with some oil and bring on the whipped cream.  You know someone in the background will yell "action". 

Come on ladies, admit it, you are as turned on by this as I am.  Please wait while I desperately resume contact with Thomas Green.  

Bow Chicka Wow Wow!!  Admit it, you said it to yourself.

Sunday, July 13, 2014

Hehehe, I Did It For You ... Goodbye Tommy Gee

Here's the story,
Of a lovely lady,
Who was aware of online petroleum engineers.
All of them had teenage daughters, 
and were lonely
Wanting money fast.

Here's the story,
of a "man" named "Tommy"
Who was busy scamming all the cash he could,
He was one man in a call center
Writing not so good.

Till the one day when the lady scammed this fellow
and she knew it was much more than a hunch
That this idiot would keep on sending email
And she would crush his nuts.

Oh Thomas Green, Thomas Green
That's the way you get shut the heck down

And so we have arrived at the end of our little saga of Thomas Green.  It has been tremendous fun to write about this idiot.  I had hoped to play with him until he asked me for money, but I just couldn't keep up the stupid, I love you even though I haven't met you, pretense.  Yes, I'm easily bored.

Friday, July 11th, he decided to send me some pictures he took just for me.  I present Exhibits A and B for your perusal:

He was so thrilled to send me pictures of him at work.  Really, indistinguishable men working is "you"? Yes, somehow I am going to believe that, since I have believed everything else I've read from you.  Thanks to my friend Susan (shout out, sistah!  Send me that hot cardiologist of yours :) ) enlightening me that you could Google images, I decided to run these through.

First though, my darling Thom-ass is supposedly in the Gulf of Mexico, but somehow I get a helicopter of "Life Guard Alaska".  Things that make you go hmmmm.  Second, well I will let you laugh at my email response to little Tommy Boy.


Hi Thomas,

Wow amazing pictures.  I'm so glad you were able to send them to me.  I can't believe you allowed me to see the great work that everyone is doing.  You should be very proud of yourself and what you've accomplished.   It allowed me to confirm everything I knew from your very first email.  I love that picture of the workers from a Royal Dutch Shell platform in Brunei...they know how to handle a drill bit that's for sure.  Don't believe me?  Check out this article:  Also you send me a picture of a Life Guard Alaska helicopter in an attempt to get me to believe you're somewhere offshore in the Gulf of Mexico?  You idiots are really pathetic.

You see you jackass, I know you've been doing your best to con me from the very first email.  Do you think anything I've said to you is real?  I thought I could play the game.  I thought I could hold out until you told me that your fake daughter "Amanda" was ill and that you needed money but you were on the rig and couldn't access your account and wouldn't I send some since you love me so.

I just can't pretend to be stupid.  You barely write in proper English, so my guess is that you're part of the well known romance scam group that try to prey on people.  Not for one moment have I believed a word you've said.  In fact, it's been a huge joke on the internet since I have been posting everything you have said for everyone to see.

Do you really think a person who writes as well as I do would be remotely attracted to the illiterate, inane, stupid lines you use?  You can't even get the name I gave you correct, you can't spell the word "re" properly, your sentences make no sense and you surely don't know how to run a con.  You write like a foreigner...oh wait, that's what you are.

You see "Thomas", I work for a company that has 100s of fraud investigators world wide.  I could spend the time tracing your IP address or your non-fixed VoIP phone number, but I'm truly not that interested.

Consider yourself busted.  You don't even know my real name or if I'm even a woman.  For the record, no real man would write the shit you write and no real woman would believe it.

By the way, here is my real picture.  Go find someone else to believe your game. This person isn't.  

 I'm not sure why he didn't respond.

Hi Lisa, Its Thomas - TeeGee Part 10

And so begins the texting conversation.  The scammers truly believe they have won your confidence and eternal love/devotion if you give them your cell number...of course, he was given an alias number.

Very first text:

T:  Hi Lisa, its Thomas.  I hope am on the right track? (NO, NO YOU AREN'T)



T:  Ahhh's your health now?


T:  Ah, I have been thinking about you all day and praying for your recovering and Amanda is not left out in this too lol.  I feel really delighted, I just sent you a message on your inbox telling you how greatful i'm so far in this  (YES YOU ARE SO FAR IN THIS...LIKE NECK DEEP IN POOP)

D:  You must have sent it to Lisa.  Nothing in my inbox.  (SNAP, 0 TO B!TCH IN 60 SECONDS)

T:  Lol I was just being playful here, Debbi. (YEAH YEAH, MOMENTARY LAPSE IN MEMORY FOR YOU)  I talk to no Lisa.  But it s fine now that am here with you talking to you.

D:  Ah, am surprised you re still home. How long do you get to stay?

T:  I stayed for 2 weeks this time but I will surely will be leaving this week now to work babe.  Is your instant messenger fixed up?

D:  I have skype

T:  Okay, just get me your skype name here now.  (DEMANDING MUCH?)

I'm so totally bored with the cretin, I'm not sure I can hang on for much longer...I have a hard time playing stupid and gushing about how wonderful I think he is.

I'm giving him mundane stuff and he's going on and on about how he enjoys every moment with me.

T:  I need to be at the airport morning so chopper needs to come first then straight to work.

D:  So you will fly in a helicopter from Newark to the Gulf of Mexico?

T:  Yes babe, is there any problem? (NO OTHER THAN YOU MUST THINK YOU HAVE ME ON A HOOK)

D:  Must have a lot of in-flight refueling

T:  lol yes we do always babe  (DO YOU EVEN KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS?)

The above convo was while I was at work.  He asks if I'm on skype.

D:  I'm at work so no

T:  Oh I almost forgot. (YOU JUST ASKED IF I WAS AT WORK!)  Am always carried away while am with you.  Please pardon me.  I don't think i will be able to send down your surprise before I leave tomorrow since I don't know where to sent this to.(BECAUSE YOU THOUGHT I WOULD GIVE YOU MY HOME ADDRESS??)  I have a plan on leaving to stay in a more better place.  After my retirement here from works, the contract I hoped for and more.  I wish to grow old loving someone right next to me, I don't want to grow old alone babe.  So I'm willing to commute and relocate if needs be for a future partner tomorrow.(WOULD YOU BE SO WILLING IF I DON'T OFFER YOU MONEY)  I so have a lot to offer and share heart to heart babe.

Mind you we have only exchanged emails for maybe 9 days...I get this drivel.  You know he's thinking he's working me.

T:  Hi babe, I know you must be asleep by now. (YES, IT WAS 12:45AM)  Since you came into my life, my life has been different and so perfect.(I SMELL MONEY) personality and your strong desire and love for kids.  I feel I have found the right one.  With no doubts, I know how slowly you wanna take this, but at anytime i wish to take this to a greater height.  I feel better you are getting stronger each day, may be am your strength, your other half.  Amanda prays for you always here, I think she loves you.  GOOD NIGHT MY LOVER, GOOD NIGHT MY FRIEND.

ROFLMBO...I hurt myself laughing at that last line.  Lover?  Really?  Is that supposed to illicit some emotional, physiological response in the heart of lonely women looking for the right one online??  These folks are seriously bad at what they do, but it must work because they keep on doing it and must have some success.

He just goes on and on with this crap.  Friday evening he sends "pictures" of him at work...uh yeah, that's it's I'm done.  I sent him an email busting him and his con.  Strangely enough, he must not have read his email because I received this text (never heard the messages beep):

Thomas Green's final text:  You are the first thing to enter my mind in the morning and the last thing to leave my heart at night.  I'm just here to talk to you before it gets busy today.  You will always remain in my thought.  Thinking about you.  Good Morning.

What I find particularly funny is how perfectly written this last text was. They must have a database of emails from a variety of people and cut/paste at will.  I will wrap up the Saga of Thomas Green with my email reply to his "pictures".  I just couldn't do it any more.

Saturday, July 12, 2014

My Eyes Has Been Glued...TommyGee Part Niner Niner

Doctor, my eyes have seen the, no they haven't because they has been glued!!

A brief hiatus of writing...I had a few days of socializing, saying hello to family and friends and merlot...I'm back to continue and end the drama....

When I last spoke of Thomas (the train), he was stumbling over himself apologizing that he was not around over the 4th weekend.  He email me and when he didn't get an instant reply, I got this:

Hi babe,
My eyes has been glued (MAKES IT DIFFICULT TO SEE) ,hoping on replying you for more than 2hours now but i never got a message from you (BECAUSE YOU HAVE NOT CAPTIVATED ME, YOU IDIOT). You keep me in a worried state of mind (MIND?  YOU HAVE ONE), i hope everything is fine and okay? Well i still think of you in my on great ways, Amanda extends her greetings with much love.
my regards

About this time, I started getting really really bored.  I told him I wasn't feeling well and going to bed.

Hi Sweetheart,
Good morning to you babe, how was your night ? I slept off last night . Am so sorry to hear about your situation babe,i feel so sad knowing you re sick right now (OH THE SYMPATHY CARD). Joy comes in the morning when you survive the night (WELL YEAH EINSTEIN, YOU AREN'T DEAD) ,every morning is like a rising sun for us all (AGAIN, EINSTEIN, THE SUN USUALLY COMES UP IN THE MORNING). I pray you get better on time, me and Amanda will never cease our prayers and well wishes for you . Your pain is mine (ALL YOUR HEMORRHOIDS ARE BELONG TO US, SEND US UP THE TUCKS ... this is from the old days of chat.  Mike will know this)   ,you re always at heart here. Please let me know when you can talk. I hope you don't mind now if i request for mobile contact or even messenger? (HE THINKS HE'S GETTING CLOSER TO ME...HAHAHA MY PLAN WORKS )Get well soon.

We moved to texting with my Google voice number and that has been a riot.  The same drivel which I will recount tomorrow.

Monday, July 07, 2014

Like A Huge Part Taken Away From Us - Thomas Green Part 8, I think

Oh bother...

Here is TommyLove's reply to my absence for the holiday weekend:

Ah i almost forgot ,its indeed a great day and time for the nation (OH PLEASE, YOU HAD TO GO LOOK UP US HOLIDAYS IN JULY). My daughter's name is Amanda. And am sure she will love the pictures you wishes to send to her. It shows real love as a friend and a mother (NO IT DOESN'T BUT IF IT MAKES YOU FEEL GOOD TO THINK THAT, GO FOR IT) . I really appreciate . Once for the day, we both miss each other here like a huge part taken away from us. But you will always remain in my thoughts ,my heart and in my head (AREN'T YOUR THOUGHTS NORMALLY IN YOUR HEAD?  GEEZ THE REDUNDANCY) ,a lovely Debbi. What is the most important thing you’ve learned from a past relationship?  (THAT IDIOTS LIKE YOU ARE MORE COMMON THAN NOT...THANKS FOR SHARING MY EMAIL ADDRESS FOLKS)

I tossed him some crumbs about what I've learned from past relationships.  Nothing exciting enough to post.  I did send two pictures of horses for "Amanda".

His response:

Aww pretty as you said. They are growing better i see (WHAT IS GROWING BETTER?  MY FAKE HORSES)  and this is just for Amanda's eyes,lol. She surely will love them both and surely will ask me someday to get her a young horse (GET A UNICORN, ITS AS MYTICAL AS SHE IS). Thank you for not being just some one close at heart but also a friend of my daughter this much. I have always waited for a day like this,(YOU SENSE SUCKER ON MY FOREHEAD...TRUST ME I'M NOT)  a woman who has great love for kids and would do anything just to make her happy. Yes you re right, books are not judge by its cover. (NO, I SAID YOU SHOULD NOT JUDGE A BOOK BY ITS COVER...DON'T GET EUPHEMISMS) 
I have learnt (LEARNED, ED, NOT T) that you have to accept people for who they are and you can't change them. If you find out some behavior is bothering you..You need be honest and let them know that their behavior is bothering you. I live by the golden rule. I treat people the way I would like them to treat me (HOW DOES ONE TREAT A SCAM ARTIST?). If they don't treat me well I say to myself that is their issue not mine.I am not going change who I am because someone didn't treat me fairly. I will never blame other people for something that someone else did to me.. One of the most important thing I have understand about life is to Learn from your mistakes and move on (OR WHEN THE GAME ISN'T GOING YOUR WAY, YOU MOVE TO THE NEXT VICTIM),i've learned to take time to think and not just react. never take for granted the next each one that comes to your life..and hope that tomorrow you will have the opportunity to be happy.. and healthy. Good night sweetheart, meet you between the stars*:-* kiss  (OK, I HAVE TO SAY I DO LIKE THAT LINE IN ALL IT'S CHEESETASTIC GLORY...MEET YOU BETWEEN THE STARS)

So we have the 5th of July festivities for my family.  I laid out the "I'm sad that I haven't heard from you"  not really but hey it helps the tone of the whole scheming plot.

Hi Sweetheart ,
Am so sorry for not being here to reply you this late i must confess. I thought of how busy you would be today Sunday mostly after church hours. I feel this is why we need to have each other close contacts (YES SO I CAN BE ACCESSIBLE TO YOU 24/7). You have never left my heart for a second Debbi ,not my memory for an hour (UGH UGH UGH BLECH). Yes me and Amanda is fine (ME AND AMANDA IS FINE...ILLITERATE MUCH) and we had a great Saturday hour i must day (JUST AN HOUR YOU MUST DAY?).Yes i understand everything and is not really bad for Amanda to have a horse ,a great challenge i must say. I do miss you so miss Debbi (AND STILL, EVERY EMAIL FROM DEBBIE AND YOU HAVEN'T FIGURED OUT TO PUT THE E AT THE END) ,i just didnt want to disturb you and the kid hours. Thank you for your message,i do appreciate . Tell me, how's your day today?
My regards Sweetheart

More tomorrow as the saga continues...almost finished emails, because i have created a dummy skype account just for his special ramblings....oh I'm a lucky girl

Sunday, July 06, 2014

You Look Really Sparking and Beautiful - Thomas Green Part 7

I'm awful.  I am lying through my eye teeth.  I tell the poor schmuck:

I had a wonderful night.  Thank you.  I thought about your smile from the last picture you sent.  I can't get your face out of my mind.  I hope you have a great day.  

I think I threw up a little at my own subterfuge.

His response:

Wow thank you so much . Am so delighted you had a wonderful night. I thought of you too. It will be really nice seeing more pics of you,seeing the better parts (EXACTLY WHAT PARTS ARE YOU REFERENCING) of our communication Debbi. How is everything going today? The weekend is around the corner . What are your weekend plans ? How are the kids ,i mean your little nieces. (OBVIOUSLY YOU DON'T PAY ATTENTION. I SAID I HAVE NIECES AND NEPHEWS) My regards ...

So I sent an old picture that if you do a Google image search, nothing comes up :)  Yes, I'm that good.

His response to the picture:

Wow you look really sparking and beautiful (SPARKING?  IF I WAS A UNICORN I'D SHOOT SPARKLES OUT MY BUTT.  IS THAT SIMILAR?) ,i think you should be proud of your looks and gorgeous smile..Am sorry for the last message ,it was a mistake . Ah thanks for asking after my daughter ,she's fine . I talk more about you to her each day to make her understand your wonderful nature ("SHE" IS 15, WHAT IS THERE TO UNDERSTAND; HOWEVER, SHE IS A MYTHICAL CREATURE LIKE MY UNICORN). I don't have such a huge plans for weekend but i thought of talking to you for weekend (FOOL IT'S 4TH OF JULY HERE AND YOU DON'T EVEN REALIZE IT),i think that should be better. I also have a plan on taking my daughter out to a nice place may be.

Oh how I lie, like a big dog :) but hey I finally have horses :D

Well I won't be around much this weekend.  With all the big celebrations happening, especially on the East Coast, I would have thought you two would go out.  This is such a special time to honor the nation's forefathers and defenders both past and present.

I can't wait to spent the day with family tomorrow.  There will be 23 people in attendance.  I'm the only single one.  But I have some cool gifts for all the kids.  I hope we will get an opportunity to take the horses out for a good ride.

I keep my horses at my parents' ranch.(RANCH STYLE HOME, THAT IS...OOPS FORGOT THOSE OTHER TWO WORDS)  I have two beautiful rides, a quarter horse named Presidio. He's a gelding.  I also have a stunning palomino named Jezebel.  She is a mare. I'll send you some pictures when I'm on my computer so you can show your daughter.

What is her name?

I'll continue the way, I pilfered some stunning pictures of horses to share with his mythical daughter.  I'm so bad in such a good way!

Saturday, July 05, 2014

I Have ... Thought About You All Through The Nights - Thomas Green Part 6

Yes friends, all through the nights.  Apparently the planet upon which Mr. Green resides has multiple nights in a 24 hour cycle.  

He last asked me about my "idea" man.  I actually gave him a bit of truth...well more than a bit of truth.

Oh, I don't know that my idea man exists.  He is kind and caring, he is a good provider for his family.  A man with Christ in his heart.  He is spirited and enjoys going on adventures as much as he enjoys staying at home.  He should have a good relationship with his family.  He needs to have an artist/creative side.  He has to be intelligent.  He should have a nice smile.  He should want to care, love and protect me.  I want him to be generous in all things.  He needs to become my best friends.  He should not be afraid to show affection.

There are so many things but I will stop there, because he does not exist in my life.  Not yet.

Mind you that's simply the tip of the iceberg on what I would like in a man.  He does exist, I just have to find him.

His reply:

Ah your words are so fascinating ,i admire every lines (THAT'S BECAUSE I CAN USE MY BIG WORDS AND YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND THEM...NA NA NA NA BOO BOO). Your idea man exist babe,they can't be so perfect in person but as perfect as your other half,(WHAT THE HECK ARE YOU TRYING TO SAY, THAT THE PERFECT MAN CAN ONLY BE PERFECT AS MY OTHER HALF...OH PUHLEEZZZE)  I have lived,believed ,gone through things,seen the other side of the world,encountered with people . But i know when my heart finds rest inside. My idea woman is such as yours,we both share that quality about our partners (IF YOU MEAN SUCKER AS A REPLACEMENT FOR SHARED QUALITY, THEN, YOU MAY INCORRECTLY ASSUME THAT I AM LIKE YOU). I have always been told we only live once (BABY, YOUR INTELLIGENCE IS SOMETHING TO BEHOLD.  THE LAST TIME I CHECKED, WHEN YOU'RE DEAD THAT'S IT..BUT HEY REINCARNATION IS A BELIEF TO SOME FOLKS),but when things re right once is enough,lol. I'm looking for a long and lasting relationship with someone who is very caring, honest, and most of all understanding. A woman who has a smile for me if I am feeling a little down, A woman who has a sense of self, and does not let small imperfections rule their lives, A woman who has a love of kids just like you. Someone that loves to Laugh, Someone that doesn't have a bad temper,(YOU REALLY NEED TO KNOW ME BETTER IN THAT CASE.  I CAN BE A FIERY JALAPENO)  Someone that can sit and hold hands if there comes a disagreement (WHAT HAPPENS IF I PREFER TO STAND AND HOLD HANDS?  IS THAT AN ISSUE FOR YOU, DOES IT CAUSE ANOTHER DISAGREEMENT), A woman that can cuddle all night. Someone who will let me know their feelings.. Someone who loves God more than life, Then loves me right after that, Someone who puts others above themselves (WAIT, DO YOU WANT ME TO LOVE GOD FIRST, YOU SECOND, THEY EVERYONE ELSE) .Someone who can lead me in our spiritual walk (AS SOON AS I PUT A RING THROUGH YOUR NOSE BOYO I CAN LEAD YOU ANYWHERE)  and whom I can also spur on. Now i feel am in a conversation with my idea woman,first time i have ever felt this day.(HMMM, JUST THIS DAY?  I'M CONFUSED BECAUSE YOU SAID ALL THROUGH THE NIGHTS, SHOULD YOU HAVE DAYS AS WELL TO COUNTER THE NIGHTS?) You can see its a heartful.  I enjoy knowing you Debbi.

I gave him a pat answer about not looking for perfection since it's unattainable. Blah blah.  Here is his reply...

Yes they can never be a perfect relationship. Disagreement sometimes brings a closer bond,makes two better and a lot more. Yes i agree with you and am also no looking for a perfect woman cos they can't be such we all strive for perfections. Hope your night was better ? I have had you at heart (IS THAT LIKE "YOU HAD ME AT HELLO", ALA JERRY MCGUIRE?) ,thought about you all through the nights (THERE WE GO AGAIN WITH THE NIGHTS STUFF) and your words you say always (THAT'S BECAUSE YOU HAVE TO FIGURE OUT WHAT I'M SAYING WHEN I USE MY BIG WORDS...I'M SURE GOOGLE TRANSLATE MAY HAVE AN ISSUE WITH THEM). I have everything at heart,i have paused and ponder at your words (SEE SNARKY RESPONSE ABOVE...IT'S LIKE LATHER RINSE REPEAT) and i seem to admire you everyday of my life (SEEM?  FIRST I'M A MAN, THEN I'M A HOBBY AND NOW YOU SEEM TO ADMIRE ME...GOSH I WANT TO RUSH OFF AND GIVE YOU MONEY AT THE FIRST OPPORTUNITY). God be with you today .

Friday, July 04, 2014

A Happiness That Cannot Easily Appear - Thomas Green Part Five

My friends, I left you hanging on, waiting for me to reveal to Mr. Hottie Green the nature of my favorite color.  Behold my response:

I am the best auntie in the world.  Thank you for the apology.  You really feel that way?  That I am filling up empty vacuum in your heart?  I am glad. (THAT WAS SO DIFFICULT TO TYPE WITH A STRAIGHT FACE) For so long I have wanted to make a loving man happy.  I want to please him in all ways, to make sure all his needs are met.  (SCREAMS SUBSERVIENT DOESN'T IT?)

I enjoy the beach, but much prefer the mountains.  It's makes me miss Vancouver when I think about the mountains and the snow.  One of the most beautiful places in Canada is Banff.  The mountains there are simply gorgeous and it is also quite nice in the summer.  Much cooler than in Texas.  While I enjoy nature, I am not much on fishing and camping unless I am "camping" in a 5 Star luxury hotel with all the amenities.

My favorite color? (YES I KNOW Y'ALL HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS...DRUM ROLL PLEASE...)  Because I am an artist at heart and extremely creative, I would have to say my color is very unique.  I love puce.  It is such a deep, dramatic color, rich and bold.  I love it so much I have painted a room in my home that color.  It's very striking.  

So what do you do for entertainment when you are home?

My beloved's response:

Ah i love your confidence ,knowing to yourself as a best auntie in the world, Lol. Yes i mean every word i say hear (MAKE UP YOUR MIND, IS IT THE WORDS YOU SAY OR THE WORDS YOU HEAR?), the words we utter often makes us who we really are (THEREFORE YOU ARE A CONFIRMED LIAR, AS IF WE DIDN'T ALREADY FIGURE THAT OUT WITH YOUR VERY FIRST SENTENCE IN YOUR VERY FIRST EMAIL). There's the glimpse you create in me each time i see your writings,a happiness that cannot easily appear,cannot easily be shown (CANNOT EASILY APPEAR, CANNOT EASILY BE SHOWN...WOW I'M TOUGH) ,a smile worth more than measures you place on my face. it was as if my world stopped and paused not knowing you for those number of years i missed out. (OH HOLD ME, THOSE COMPLEX TURNS OF PHRASING ARE SOOO SEXY) its so lovely of you and so creative with fine art of your heart. Well my favorite color is Blue and Green. I like them because I love nature and most of the things in life consist of them. For example, the Sky is Blue while the Vegetation is Green,lol (GRASS WOULD HAVE BEEN EASIER TO SPELL). Am a passionate song listener,i try to create songs at heart even while i listen, read books,teach my daughter more about nature,life itself and more when am home. I try to live each day as it comes from the Lord. Describe your spirituality? How's your spiritual life?

What I sent him about my spirituality was factual to my faith in God.  Here is his response to my question about his denomination.  Please note how great his English has suddenly become.  I wonder if they have organized email categories from which they can cut and paste?

I’m Baptist. I was born and raised in a christian home, I have accepted Christ as my Savior. I try to live as God would have me to live my life.For me, I go to church every week, its very important to me. I go to church every week to praise the Lord for all what he has done in my life and also making me see a brighter day. I love to pray and sing(I am not that great, but the Lord only hears the beauty)
 I let the Holy Spirit fill me and guide me.. Tell me how was your day at work today ?

Apparently I didn't respond timely so I received this tidbit:

Are you okay ? or maybe busy and tired . Well its some times hectic i understand and its also late after so much work for you babe.(BABE?  OK, WE'VE JUST MOVED INTO TERMS OF ENDEARMENT)  Would you want to take a rest ? So you can wake up better.(NO BABE, I'M BRIGHT EYED AND BUSHY TAILED) I so much want the best for you too. Let me know which ever you indeed doing. (I'M THINKING ABOUT SOMEONE ELSE ACTUALLY) A pic of me,i feel you will love this.

I did shoot him an email asking about his denomination.  His response:

I accepted Christ before my adult age. I have always known a life without Christ is Crisis, lol. So i was raised ,probably in my youth age (WHAT?  RAISED?  LIKE HOISTED BY A BELT LOOP SO YOU HAVE A WEDGIE). I was sprinkled (INTERESTING, ALL THE BAPTISTS I KNOW HAVE BEEN FULLY IMMERSED, HENCE BAPTISM, YOU KNOW, SOMETHING JOHN THE BAPTIST DID...BUT HEY I MAY NOT KNOW THE BIBLE LIKE YOU THOMAS) ,i could remember it was never the same. All around me i felt the change like it was the day my life began. The candles around,the choirs ,choruses, the spirit within God's house.(YOU SURE YOU WEREN'T TRIPPING ON 'SHROOMS?)  I could remember rights i did wrong and more on same day (RIGHTS YOU DID WRONG?). It was one of my greatest moment i must say. It was worth more than any treasure ever had. No am home now ,its been great actually. I never take my eyes off my mail each time now,lol. Please pardon the way i express myself and feelings. If there's something you don't like about me,don't hesitate to tell me.(OH HONEY, WHERE DO I EVEN START?) Am ready to be for anything better you would prefer. Am your sub-ordinate (BOW DOWN BEFORE THE ONE YOU SERVE, YOU'RE GOING TO GET WHAT YOU DESERVE ... I HEART YOU NIN) ,while you remain an Angel in my world.(NOW I HAVE AEROSMITH IN MY HEAD) Tell me about your idea man?  (I'M YOUR IDEA MAN, STOP ME WHEN I'M PASSING BY...OH SORRY, THAT'S ICE CREAM MAN...MY BAD, GUESS YOUR FLAVORS AREN'T GUARANTEED TO SATISFY)

Part six will be tomorrow....Hope your 4th was happy happy!

Thursday, July 03, 2014

I Don't Want To Leave The So Good Conversation With You - Thomas Green Part Cuatro

I've skipped a lot of back and forth...he's sent me "his" pictures and here is one his replies:

Ah Good morning to you Debbi ! I hope you had a better night rest? I'm so sorry i misread your last mail.(MAYBE IF YOU ACTUALLY UNDERSTOOD ENGLISH YOU WOULDN'T MISUNDERSTAND) You know all works and no play always makes jack a dull boy ,lol. I smile at every words i read from you,every time it feels like i don't want to leave the so good conversation with you.(AWW, THAT'S SO GOOD TO KNOW) Thank you for your nice and warm gesture but i think you might be a blessing from above .I'm happy you are in my life now,you have brought me joy and an expectation of something good well we came into each others lives everything is as it should be and happens for a reason.(SOMEHOW AN EXCHANGE OF EMAILS MEANS I'M IN YOUR LIFE? ) You should be happy life is our journey and we are meant to enjoy our journey smell the roses turn our faces to the sun and you as a man will be happy joys free (EXCUSE ME???  SOMEWHERE BETWEEN EMAIL 1 AND EMAIL 5 I GREW A PENIS)  and at peace you have much to give. I really want to live knowing you all my life,each passing day you seem more like a hobby (HOBBY??? DEAR GOOGLE TRANSLATE, PLEASE HELP HIM). A new version of a story line,a better beginning. Tell me what re the things you do for fun ?
My regards

My reply to shake things up a bit..

I did have a good night's rest.  I'm glad you're enjoying the conversation, I am as well.  I wouldn't say that I am a blessing.  Just a normal person.  But yes, perhaps there can be an expectation of something good coming out of this chance meeting.  You are right, everything happens for a reason.
What do I do for fun? Well I spend a lot of time with my family.  I have 1 older and 3 younger siblings and they all have kids, so we love to gather as much as we can.  I have 12 nephews and nieces.  I enjoy spending as much time with them as I can.  I tend to spoil them all since I have no kids of my own.  I will be taking the 3 oldest with me on a Caribbean cruise in a few months.  I'm so happy they don't mind hanging out with their auntie.  (DO I IMPRESS YOU WITH ALL THE MONEY I AM PRETENDING TO HAVE?  WHEN ARE YOU GOING TO ASK ME TO SEND YOU SOME?

i am a bit confused by your email.  Why would you liken me to a hobby?  That's a very upsetting comment.  In fact, you say "you as a man will be happy joys free"  that just doesn't make much sense to me.

Are you playing some game with me?


Ah that sounds interesting ,you really must be a good auntie. I'm sorry but you misunderstood me Debbi (EXCUSE ME, BUT I READ WHAT YOU WROTE...I AM A MAN AND A HOBBY) . I have never felt this for such a long time ,its as if a wound is getting healed in my heart knowing you now .I'm so sorry if that upset you but i never meant to upset you, i just want to be happy with you all my life (WELL WHICH ONE IS IT?  YOU'VE NEVER FELT THIS OR YOU HAVEN'T FELT THIS IN A LONG TIME...WOOHOO I'M LIKE A MEDICAL MIRACLE, HEALING HEARTS WORLD WIDE, OR IN A CALL CENTER SOMEWHERE IN AFRICA). It was as if you occupied an empty vacuum in my heart when i met you and i feel so glad in all.(IF I OCCUPIED AN EMPTY VACUUM, DOES THAT MEAN I'M DUST AND DIRT?  KEEP THE UNKNOWN INSULTS COMING) Please i apologize for your being upset...
Things i do for fun? I love nature a great deal, love watching the peacefulness of the ocean , love summer weather, I enjoy fishing and camping. I also enjoy going to the beach with loved ones.. What your favorite color ?
My regards

My favorite color?  I'm sure he had to look it up in the be continued :)

I Feel You Are Nice With Your Words of Expression - Thomas Green Part Trois

..but not as in menage a ...

If you have read my last post, I left you with his response.  Here is my reply to his email.  

Aren't we all imperfect?  How long have you been widowed?  How old is your daughter?  It must be so difficult to grow up without her mom and I'm sure it is such a challenge for you being both mother and father to her.  As a petroleum engineer, I am sure you travel quite a bit.  I'm sure that's difficult for her, you being gone so much.  That makes me sad. (BOOM, SHE PLAYS THE SYMPATHY CARD...THANK YOU THAT JACKPOT BELONGS TO ME!!!)

It's funny, I had always wanted to be a mom.  It's in my nature because I am a warm loving woman, but it was not God's plan for me.  I have since started praying for God to send me a wonderful man who has children so I could become a loving step-mother to his precious kids. (HERE IS A KERNEL OF TRUTH AMONG THE LIES)

I too love great conversation; however, sometimes you have to agree to disagree.  But I understand what you are saying about the difference between debate and an argument.  No one likes to be hurt and certainly it isn't kind to hurt your loved one.

I do have a mobile number but I'm not ready to give it out.  I don't know you.  So I would like to keep this to email for a while, until we know each other a bit more.

Warm regards,

His reply, mind you, his first email to me was May 30th.  We are now July 1st:

Yes we are imperfect,though we all strive for perfections (WHAT'S WRONG WITH MEDIOCRITY?  SOMETIMES PERFECTION IS TOO HARD TO HANDLE). I have been all alone for about 5yrs now and my daughter is 15.I think is a great gift meeting and knowing people in this life. I love travelling and have been to some other countries and places. I love to spend more time in family though i work offshore but i'm always there when you look,when you search and find.(SO WHAT YOU'RE SAYING IS THAT YOU'RE SOMEWHAT LIKE WALDO?  HE'S ALWAYS THERE WHEN YOU SEARCH AND FIND HIM) Sometimes its hard doing it alone i must say. Being a single parent haven't been to easy with me but i guess i accept each day as it comes from God if its part of my destiny routine ,smile. I feel you are nice with your words of expression (BECAUSE PEOPLE NEVER USE THEIR WORDS TO LIE, DO THEY?). You are kind but you have your path  and purpose in life to fulfill that is why we are here someone special can only Complete our circle. I feel there's always a great joy meeting people and i never regret a minute cos we happened to come together. Your wishes and desires are same with mine as well. To find a woman to love (I'M SORRY, I HAVE NO DESIRE TO FIND A WOMAN TO LOVE...I LURVE ME SOME MAN...IN FACT, I'M REALLY LIKING MY DARK HAIRED, DARK EYED, HANDSOMELY INTELLIGENT LATINO), some one my daughter can call not only a mother but a friend (FRIENDMOTHER, LIKE SISTERWIFE BUT NOT), I think she will be nicer growing up learning more from you and your ways. You might not see this from my own angle but i believe we both have a future in tomorrow Debbi.(GIVEN THAT TOMORROW IS THE FUTURE, I WOULD LIKE TO THINK THAT YES, I WILL HAVE A FUTURE IN IT.  I'M NOT READY TO MEET JESUS AT THE MOMENNT) We just didn't get to know people over night i believe,it takes time,a given period of time .If the chemistry is there. I so feel a great chemistry with you,is as if i found a life all again if i will say.(I CAN'T STOP LAUGHING...HON, IT'S BEEN 2 DAYS, SO I GUESS TECHNICALLY IT'S NOT OVER NIGHT) Mailing is indeed a nice step to take but i think life's too short complicating things. Am an affectionate man,emotional in person and would want to desire and treasure every moment with you Debbi (YES MY DARLING, TREASURE EVERY MOMENT WITH ME, BECAUSE I WILL BE BUSTING YOUR BALLS AT SOME POINT). I feel it will be nicer and better if you have had an instant yahoo messenger ,or even on skype . This can ease our talks and we can both have chatting time to get along more better than this.(HERE WE GO AGAIN WITH MORE BETTER) I want someone next to me,some one to grow old together with, someone to call my own,travel together with all adventures in it.(MY GUESS IS THAT YOU HAVE A GUY IN A CALL CENTER SITTING RIGHT NEXT TO YOU, THAT'S SOMEONE) I will also love having some pics of you .

I leave you dear readers with my reply:

Oh dear, for her to have no one since she was 10?  I'm so sorry for both of you.  That simply breaks my heart. (NOT)

I have been so many places in my life.  I have been travelling internationally since I was 8 months old, so as a baby :)  I've most recently spent some time in India, specifically Mumbai.  I have a great many friends there due to the nature of my former employment.  I supervised staff there who performed some of our accounting functions.  I so love the country and the culture.  So much color.  I have the desire to be there for Diwali.  I have only seen pictures and it is simply stunning.  (TRUTH)

You are right, getting to know people does take time and while chemistry is important, so is honor, trust, and respect.  I have to be honest, I cannot say that I am feeling chemistry with you yet (NEVER HAVE, NEVER WILL), but I do know that I like what I am reading about you.(BAHAHAHAHAHAHA)  You sound like the type of man that I could become very interested in getting to know better. (SURE IF I WAS TOTALLY DESPERATE AND YOU WERE THE LAST MAN ON EARTH...NO, NO WAIT, I FIND A COCONUT PALM MORE INTERESTING THAN YOU)

I agree that life is very short; however, I am just not truly ready to leave email.  We've only just begun corresponding and I would like to know more about you through this format.  I promise you that we can move to yahoo messenger in time.  I hope you understand.

Wednesday, July 02, 2014

Hope You Are Having A Warm Evening - Thomas Green, Part Deux

His reply to my "where are you from..."

  Good day to you and a happy new month. I hope you had better night ? Ah am sorry for replying your message now but am just seeing it. Am from Newark, New Jersey. Tell me more about you, what do you do for a living ? where are you from? How's your day like today ? 
Hoping to hear from you soon..

Here is where the fun begins...the fact that I can lie with a straight face to this idiot should be vaguely disturbing; however, since I am dealing with an idiot, I think I'm safe.  

Hi Tom,

I had a great night.  It's okay about replying late.   I am sure you are very busy with work and what not.(I AM SO DARN EMPATHETIC)  Newark?  I have some friends in Trenton, is that close?  (I DON'T HAVE FRIENDS IN NEW JERSEY)

What would you like to know about me?  I'm divorced, with no kids.  I love to travel internationally and do so quite often.  I am a director of accounts receivable so I manage a staff of 3 managers who have a staff of 10 each reporting to them.  (LIES, LIES, LIES, YEAH! TAKE THAT SUCKER)

I am originally from Vancouver, Canada, but while I was married, we moved to Texas and I have been here ever since.  I am hoping to go back to Canada to live some day, probably when I retire.  But who really knows.  I love Hawaii and have a beach home on Kauai, I just can't live there full time because I enjoy the cold weather.  (YOU ARE GOING TO EVENTUALLY ASK ME FOR MONEY, SO I MIGHT AS WELL MAKE SURE THAT YOU THINK I HAVE IT...ANYONE WANT TO GO STAY IN MY BEACH HOUSE WITH ME?)

So what do you do?  Tell me a little about yourself:

His reply, email #3 from him I believe

Wow you amazed me (I HAVE THAT AFFECT ON MANY PEOPLE) and i must confess that was a perfect introduction.I really love the way you write and put words together (REALLY?  I'M SURE YOU DO.  IT SHOULD GIVE YOU A HELP WITH THE NEXT PERSON YOU ATTEMPT TO CON). Well yes i'm busy with things and a lot more . Hmmm what to say about myself? I'm an average man ,imperfect i must say,who believes in the lord almighty. I have a teenage daughter who means a lot more to me. I'm a widower and have been alone for some time now with no one next to me.  I'm working as a petroleum Engineer. (DANGER PHRASES HAVE BEEN UNDERLINED.  THERE MUST BE A TEMPLATE BECAUSE IT'S ALWAYS THE SAME) I would like to find someone to enjoy some of my free time with. Someone serious for a change to talk to and be best of friends with for starters,I cherish friendship and considered it a great gift or favor from God. And see where the road leads us. I love quality conversation and a great debate.. I know the difference between a debate and an argument. I'm a lover, not a fighter Cos i hate to be hurt and when my soul mate is hurt, then I'm also hurt,lol. (VOMITING IN MY MOUTH AGAIN) I guess that was a heartful words.(WHAT, HE'S COMPLIMENTING HIS OWN WORDS OR THOSE STOLEN FROM SOMEONE ELSE) Do you have a mobile number ? Or maybe instant messenger ? So we can chat better. I'm really keen on knowing you better Debbi (SPELL MY NAME RIGHT, AND YOU STILL WON'T HAVE A CHANCE) Hope you having a warm evening? (NO DANG IT, I HAVE AC, IT MAKES THE SUMMERS PALATABLE IN TEXAS)

There will be more posts...stay tuned :)

Tuesday, July 01, 2014

The Saga of Thomas Green

Here we go again.  I'm really going to try to work this one a bit longer.  I have NO IDEA who this one is or how he/she/it got my hotmail address.  My guess is that he is a prior scammer trying a new tactic. 

Here is email #1:

It gladdens my heart to write you today from a piece of words in my heart.(WHAT??? YOU KNOW, THE ABILITY TO RUN A SUCCESSFUL CON SHOULD BE PREDICATED ON YOUR ABILITY TO WRITE ENGLISH,)  Am really thankful for the email and your understanding. Am Thomas,let me tell you a little about myself. (AM?? SAM I AM.  I AM A YAM.  MA'AM I AM, AM AM AM.  I AM A HAM SORRY I DIGRESS)
Am just an average man who believes in the Lord almighty ,down to earth with a great sense of humor.I love every part of nature and i believe in meeting new people in life. (WHY DO THEY ALWAYS LOVER EVERY PART OF NATURE?  I DON'T, ESPECIALLY THE POOPING PART OF NATURE, AND THE STEPPING IN DOG POOP PART.  DON'T LOVE THOSE PARTS) People with like minds evidently grow towards better relationship. How long have you been on Christian mingles? I will like to know more about you,exchange pics and see what nature upholds for us all. (WHAT NATURE UPHOLDS FOR US ALL?, GOOGLE WHAT DID HE TRANSLATE)
Hoping to hear from you soon,i hope you having a warm evening ?. (NO I HAVE AIR CONDITIONING, IT'S RATHER PLEASANT)
Thomas Green

My reply:

I'm not sure who you are, sorry.  I don't recall giving you my email address as I given it out to very few people.  What is your profile name?

His email #2:

Ah i'm so sorry it look so strange to you (WHAT LOOKS STRANGE?  THAT'S ALMOST AS GOOD AS A SURPRISE TO MY NOTICE). I took out my account cos i had too many messages from people who never was serious. I felt comfortable and relaxed after getting your email (NEVER SENT YOU AN EMAIL, SO SERIOUSLY HOW DID YOU GET MY ADDY). I felt we could at least start from some where.(I SUPPOSE SOMEWHERE IS BETTER THAN NOWHERE, BUT ANYWHERE DOES HAVE POTENTIAL...DO YOU THINK HE WOULD BE CONFUSED IF I SAID THAT?) Here are photos of me. Please feel free to write me at anytime . I hope you re having a nice evening?

My reply:

I forgot to ask where you are from...