Wednesday, June 25, 2014

I am a funnyman brown skin complexion,nice and Intresting Indian.

And what do you not understand about wanting someone less than 100 miles away from Fort Worth?

His response:  I'm moving to Houston at the end of July.  Do you think it would work?

I really do miss blogging about the complete idiots...he didn't give me enough material to be remotely humorous.  

Do I think it would work?  No.  Houston is still over 100 miles from Fort Worth.  Apparently engineering doesn't require any knowledge of geography.  

Do I think it would work?  No.  I am not investing any time in something I'm sure would not be good for me.

Do I think it would work?  No.  Read the post title.  What exactly is a funnyman brown skin complexion, nice and intresting Indian.  Spelling and grammar isn't necessary?

Do I think it would work?  Maybe, if you looked like Shahrukh Khan, but at 5'8" I don't think you stand a chance.  Sorry

Tuesday, June 17, 2014

How To Uncover An Idiot in 10 Minutes

My response to a gentleman:

The day was hectic, thank you for asking.  Yours?  

Match is interesting.  I was on a few about 8 months ago for 3 months then quit.  I have had a few people interested, even to the point of talking on the phone to set up a meet.  He got upset because I couldn't meet on the day of the weekend he wanted and I suggested the next and he quit talking to me.  

I have no patience for wishy-washy behavior.

But isn't contact the whole objective? (HE SAID HE SHUT DOWN HIS ACCOUNT BECAUSE HE WAS GETTING TOO MUCH EMAIL) That's how you will meet folks.  I'm on for another month or so, then I will probably quit again.  I have recently signed up at Christian Mingle.


Haven't heard from him again LOL

Sunday, June 15, 2014


Dear readers, I present to you:  Sir Gregory and his eloquent copy/paste email:

> >> > 
> >> > 
> >> > 
> >> > 
> >> >BLESSINGSwow! 
> >> >>Well it seems we have much in common. I long for a deeply spiritual woman. It seems as if you share the same passion for our Lord.Could you see herself (ISSUES WITH PRONOUNS MUCH) worshipping praying with your husband? I know you could (CHANNELING MR. ROGERS, I KNOW YOU COULD)
> >> >I long for a gal to pray and read the bible with. I know God has someone like that for both of us. My guess is you have a sweet and gentle nature like myself. You seem very intelligent and Im honored and hope you find me worthy enough to get to know. (HOW DO YOU PRESUME TO KNOW THAT I HAVE A SWEET AND GENTLE NATURE LIKE YOU?  AND HOW WOULD I SEEM INTELLIGENT?  BECAUSE I CAN ACTUALLY PRESENT A COHERENT INTRODUCTION PAGE ON THE SITE) Perhaps I should tell you more about myself  (NOOOOOOOO!!)
> >> > 
> >> >Im active in sports. I still play hockey twice a week all year (APPARENTLY YOU'VE TAKEN A PUCK TO HEAD ONCE OR TWICE, IF THIS EMAIL IS ANY INDICATION). I love racquet ball sports and especially walking. I love nature and love to just sit and fish even if I don�t catch anything.Perhaps my biggest passion is music. I play a number of instruments and have been told Im a descent singer (BY "DESCENT" DO YOU MEAN YOU'RE SPIRALING DOWNWARD?). I've played in a number of bands � including secular and church worship teams. I love groups such as the Eagles , C C R, Lightfoot, Jazz, blues, folk music etc, pretty well love it all if its not too heavy- no screaming please- (DARN, WE'VE CONNECTED ON SO MANY LEVELS AND YOU'VE HAD TO RUIN IT WITH NO SCREAMING MUSIC..  i DECLARE US COMPLETELY NONCOMPATIBLE)lol.I've also had the privelage of acting and modeling ( pictures not runway ) (NO WORDS, JUST HAVE NO WORDS FOR THAT) but know not doing that as I Presently hav a couple music ministries that would b sooo cool if my wife joined me Every few weeks i play various instruments on our church worship team. i also lead a christian buisiness meeting in worship once a month. also planning trip to africa this winter to minister in song p t l (room for one more hehehe I hav a passion for crusades and meetings and to see people get saved and will b more involved with that over the next 10 - 20 years 
> >> >The church and christians and church are doing alot of good works buttttt but not really the great commission I want to help get souls saved the old fashioned way ( actually public meetings was Jesus most popular way of evangelizing I even want to help fund these meetings orrrr start/ fund my own crusade ministry I already hav greatttt international contacts ready to preach the gospel praise His name !!!! 
> >> > 
> >> > also have a passion for dancing. Id love a Christian gal to dance with and usually go dancing twice a week!!! I'm willing to teach if u don�t know how. Id be happy even just to dance at home with my beloved 
> >> >My favorite passages seem to focus around The Psalms.I can relate to David as I seem to be a bit more expressive than most guys. p t l 
> >> >>I am very affectionate and probably my favorite activity is just to cuddle up with my beloved( even a chick flick if my gal is happy). Ive learned a lot about submitting to my beloveds needs � although not to her lead( according to John Haggee), Sorry that may not be overly popular but I am a very gentle leader. (OK AS SOON AS THIS MAN SAID "GENTLE LEADER" I HAD THE HORRIFIC VISION OF HIM IN BONDAGE WEAR, A BIBLE IN ONE HAND AND A WHIP IN THE OTHER...YOU'RE WELCOME FOR THE VISUAL)
> >> >I do furniture retail from my home which is very lucrative and being blessed immensely by God. I also do investments which the Lord has graciously chosen 2 bless. Enough so I will be semi retiring within the next year . I see myself and my beloved involved with volunteer church activities � including short term missions to help build the kingdom. Yahweh be Praised .Hm I love the idea of taking a motor home and traveling around North America. 
> >> >Hopefully this lets u into my world. Looking forward to getting to know you. 
> >> >>May God richly bless you 
> >> >And faith overcomes distance ) 
> >> >Praise the Lord 
> >> > (
> >> > warmly yours 

> >> > 
> >> > 
> >> > 
> >> > 
> >> >P s I not 6 years old I just don�t type-lol. Actually I did this all with one finger � labor of love. . May God bless you . Prayed for you today 
> >> >P s s s ill assure u im a great friend and would love 2 pray with u- and perhaps read some scripture 
> >> > 
> >> >P s. im looking for more of a traditional type gal and its not necessary for a lady 2 b the big independent type. Hm it seems theres a lot of pressure on women 2 b so independent. Im quite traitional / biblical and don�t mind being the 1 for a gal 2 lean on � 2 provide for, 2 protect, 2 nurture as instructed by scripture. I wonder if that�s y deep down so many women rnt really that happy, and hence, indirectly, guys 2. probably .the sweet respectful type would fit my personality as i am gentle and easy going . just looking for peace man lol(yup i know stuck in the sixties lol . Probably a gal who doesnt mind, and finds comfort, in following a good considerate man, would do well and r veryyyy pleased with me as i would her \   (TWO WORDS:  EWWW AND ICKY)
> >> > 
> >> >Hm just food 4 thot. Hopefully u can c the kindness, gentleness, and love in my eyes, I really hav been graciously described as a gentle yet strong and comforting leader, my beloved will find rest and security in my arms 
> >> > 
> >> >psssssssss, by the way you have a beautiful godly type smile (WHAT EXACTLY IS A "GODLY" TYPE SMILE??) . hopefully u can see the gentleness and kindnes in my eyes as well (NO, BUT I CAN SEE FREAKY DEAKY THERE) I give God the glory 
> >> >> >> > bless u precious one 
> >> >ive been pleased with great genetics and often told i look in the 38-42 range(DERANGED IS MORE LIKE IT AND YOU LOOK THAT AGE ONLY ON PLANET SIR GREGORY) not life or death but a minor blessing 
> >> >lol i was out dancing last night four hours straight. hope u can keep up hehehe(im sure u can ) (THROWING UP IN MY MOUTH AGAIN)

This my peeps, really took the cake.  Maybe it was the slew of pictures.  Now I give him credit for flying the freak flag, not everyone can.  At least you know what you're getting into with him right off the bat.  Is he genuine as opposed to a scammer?  I don't know.  His effusiveness would lend itself to me saying, con artist; however, he is very detailed in his horrid introduction.  All of that is more than what the scammers have on their profiles.

Saturday, June 14, 2014

When The Time Comes To Let It Go

For 18 months my heart has been suffering.  Suffering from the inability to let go of the one I though would be the one.  Suffering a thousand moments of pain and angst too great to even mention.  Suffering the type of pain that makes bleeding out seem so much easier than waking up to face the day.  I have thought about writing, since it's cathartic for me, but there was just too much inside to release.

How do you let go of someone who looked you in the eyes and told you that he'd been in love with you for over a decade?  This same person who knew all your secrets, thoughts, hopes, dreams from back then.  Someone who remembered the smallest details of your conversations.  Someone who said he didn't want to live with any regrets and asked you to take a chance on him because he knew you were guarded.

In all of this, I don't understand how someone can tell you they love you and walk away without a word.  No goodbye, no I'm done, no I don't love you anymore.  There is so much to this story, most of it okay until the end.  I went on vacation and he went away.

To say that I have prayed without ceasing, would be correct.  I have been prostrate on the floor both in prayer and grief.  I've raged and screamed at God for allowing this to have happened.  For such a long time, I couldn't understand why.  I still don't.  Why would God greenlight this situation?  Why allow me to hurt in ways I never dreamed were possible.

Through it all, God has been there.  His mighty arms holding me close and loving me in my most unlovable moments.  He has been whispering in my ear, "Child, have patience and faith."  I have heard those words over and over and over.  Even as I have watched my life move on and the one dream I had remained unfulfilled, I know God has been there.

God is good though.  I finally realized the lessons I was meant to learn.  For years, I kept myself closed off and guarded.  I never wanted to be emotionally skewered.  A failed marriage and a dysfunctional rebound relationship will do that to you.  It was always easier to not be in a relationship.  I've had my walls, double thick and insurmountable.  That was until Adam

His purpose in my life was to allow me to open my heart.  Yes I was hurt in the end, but he was the only man who knew me through some dark moments.  The bonds formed all those years ago were the only things that gave me the permission to walk into his arms and be vulnerable.  He wouldn't be the one to hurt me.

So God, in His infinite wisdom gave me Adam, knowing that I would be hurt.  Knowing that I would come out of this a different woman.  Knowing that I would be stronger for it.

Over the last few weeks, I've been praying for all of this to go away and for the plan that God has for my life to come to fruition.  I think it's finally happening.  I can't tell you when, perhaps at the end of May, I asked God to help me dissolve my feelings for him.  As Adam told me when he came back, "being in love and it being one-sided stinks", and he was right.  He'd been in that situation with me and now I was in it with him.  Slowly but surely, the hurt has diminished.  

I started by removing him as a friend on Facebook.  That's where we reconnected.  Again, I prayed that if this door was being shut, I needed another one to open.  I tried to make contact just to say goodbye, but he doesn't care enough to do that.  I've deleted all his text messages from my phone.  Some very sweet things were said there.

For some unknown reason, I found myself joining Christian Mingle.  I don't know why.  I have to say it's probably God's hand.  As the door of Adam has been shut, a new door is slowly opening.  I'm in no rush and I like the pace.  I'm asking God to have his hand in this, whatever it may be. I need to wisdom to know what to do and to discern what is true and what is false.

So as the time has come to let it go, I have. Unanswered questions, unspeakable pain, hurt beyond all measure, they are gone.

Friday, June 13, 2014

Contentment That Reaches Down To The Very Depths Of Your Soul

It's like gum stuck to the bottom of your shoe, but not.....

This is the final installment of Stephen.  My reply to his email (see Butterflies In My Stomach post) was rather to the point.  I told him that he was setting himself up for disappointment (in other words, I'm just not that into you) and that he was very intense (cra cra on display).  This is his reply:

Good day Sunshine (OHH A BEATLES FAN, STILL NOT ENOUGH TO INTEREST ME). Rise and shine for today is yours.I am very happy that i have this wonderful opportunity to communicate with you, But i would like to know how you feel about meeting me and the plans you have for the future if this should work between us. (WHAT THE...ARE YOU KIDDING ME???? NUTJOB)  I do have faith in the lord to make it work but it also depends on us and how serious and committed we are.(COMMITTED, YES YOU NEED TO BE IN A STRAIGHT JACKET)  It has been 5 years now since my late wife passed on and you are right it has not been easy for my daughter and me either because its very hard trying to be both a mother and a father to her. The most challenging part is that she is at this Age when she really needs the love of a woman and someone to direct her in the right path. I know she talks to me about almost everything but i do know that there are some things she cannot tell me as i am not a woman. She has told me that before.  I do travel mostly internationally for my Job and when i do there is a Nanny to take care of my daughter, She is an elderly lady i met from church and she has been helping me take care of her since the past 3 years (SINCE THE PAST 3 YEARS?  I'VE HEARD SPEAKING LIKE THIS BY MY BELOVED INDIAN FRIENDS) She really loves Melissa and care for her just like her own daughter. There is so much for us to talk about my dear but i am a very patient man and would take it one day at a time so that we would not have to rush into anything. (SMH...THERE ARE NO WORDS...3RD MAYBE 4TH EMAIL.  DELUSIONAL DUFUS) I believe what God has planned will always come to pass and there is no reason to rush. You really do not have to be scared,(OBVIOUSLY YOU DON'T KNOW ME CUZ I AIN'T SKEERED) I understand you have been hurt (TRUE, BUT I'M FIXING TO PUT A TEXAS GIRL HURTIN' ON YOU) in the past but so have I, We cannot let our past get the best of us, I want you to see it all as a stepping stone to something and someone (YOU'RE GETTING REDUNDANT IN YOUR COPY PASTE, YOU'VE SAID THIS IN EVERY EMAIL) better and believe in your heart that everything happens for a reason. God will direct your path to only success because you are a christian and you believe in Him.


I was just laying in my bed a while ago thinking about my life and how things has changed ever since i lost my late wife, you know i used to have the perfect life I always wanted and dreamed of. We did everything together and did not hide anything from each other, we were a team! This is the kind of relationship i want where  we  can both feel comfortable talking about everything and anything and no one would feel shy and neither of us would judge each other as we are not perfect. I am not very open like this when talking about myself but with you i feel like i can trust you. I also have my Fears too Debbie,(INSERT WOMAN'S NAME HERE) But i have surrendered everything into the hands of God and i believe he would take control of the situation. I just want you to be open with me and not be afraid to tell me how you feel, Communication is the key to every successful relationship,(YOU'VE READ MEN ARE FROM MARS, HAVEN'T YOU) In other for this to work we both have to be ready to Trust each other(BECAUSE SOMEHOW BEING A SERIAL SCAMMER ELICITS OVERWHELMING FEELINGS OF TRUST). I would not like to be led on Debbie, (LIES LIES LIES, YEAHH THEY'RE GONNA GET YOU..THIS IS WHERE I STARTED LAUGHING HYSTERICALLY ) If you do not feel comfortable continuing this relationship, please let me know. I would not like to be heart broken. I am just writing you this letter to let you know you have been in my thoughts and your beautiful face is all i can see when i close my eyes. (WHY YES, I DID THROW UP IN MY MOUTH...REALLY, BARELY KNOW ME, ALL YOU HAVE ARE MY PICTURES ON MY PROFILE AND ALL YOU SEE IS MY BEAUTIFUL FACE?  HOW DO YOU KNOW I'M NOT A CROSS DRESSING TRANNY (NO OFFENSE INTENDED TO CDTS)) please do not let your past weigh you down okay, think positive at all times and believe in your heart that God is directing your footsteps.(HE IS...IN THE OPPOSITE DIRECTION FROM YOU, FOOL)

I am praying that throughout your everyday life, there will be joy in every hour of your journey,happiness  in your eyes and laughter in your voice. Contentment that reaches down to the very depths of your soul. Peace in your mind and love in your heart. be one of those rare and beautiful times you'll always remember fondly. A time when hope is restored and dreams come true. (DOES YOUR MIND EVER HEAR THE TEACHER FROM CHARLIE BROWN'S SCHOOL...MINE DOES) And may you take comfort in knowing that I'm there and I care about you.Remember you are always with me in my heart and my thoughts praying that all your day be bless with love and happiness from heaven,(THERE REALLY ARE NO WORDS...BECAUSE HE'S USED THEM ALL...SHEESH)  Have a lovely day out there. Thanks for opening up the way you did my dear, You have only succeeded in making me want you more (GROSS, GROSS, DOUBLE GROSS). Sorry i do not mean to be intense just trying to express the deep emotions in my heart.(WHAT ABOUT THE DEEP DISCONNECT IN YOUR BRAIN)  You are right there are a lot of women here but i can also imagine a lot of handsome men where you are too. I am a very busy man and my job mostly take me away. And beside i do not go out a lot except when i am home with my daughter, If you would like to Skype so we can video call and get to see each other you can add me as a contact on STEPHEN DEVLINS  i would also love to talk to you on the phone an dear your voice…My Phone # is 210-463-4285 (WHY DO YOU HAVE A SAN ANTONIO TEXAS AREA CODE??? IS THAT WHERE THE CALL CENTER IS LOCATED? I WOULD HAVE GUESSED OFFSHORE)  i am really putting in my best to make sure we get the best of each other.. i am hoping you would do the same too. I would have to close this letter here and wait till i get a response back from you.. Take care and God bless you always

How can any woman believe this drivel?  I know there are many and it pains me greatly.  I want to tell them, RUN, DO NOT WALK, BUT RUN IN THE OPPOSITE DIRECTION.  

Wednesday, June 11, 2014

I Get Butterflies In My Stomach Like a Little Teenager

As opposed to a big teenager?  A $20 copay says it's Irritable Bowel Syndrome. But I'm no doctor.

The saga of Stephen (Freak2) continues.  Oy vey, ay caramba, and what the what?

Good Morning Debbie, Thanks for the kind response and taking time to answer my questions, I am so very happy meeting you my dear and I can honestly say that you have brought so much joy to my heart (I'VE GOT THE JOY JOY JOY JOY DOWN IN MY HEART) because i feel like we both just clicked (LIKE A BIC RETRACTABLE PEN) in several ways and its so unbelievable that just when i thought i would not find a match on  the site, You came along and everything has changed so suddenly.(LIFE HAS NEW MEAAAANING TO MEEEEE...THANK YOU BILLY OCEAN) (God really works in Mysterious ways)  I do have a lot of faith in you and each minute when i think about everything you have told me about yourself i get butterflies in my stomach like a little teenager.(OH, HOLD ME WHILE I SWOON AT THE IMAGERY...WHY DOES MY IMAGE HAVE GURGLES?) Well i guess that's a great feeling because no one has ever made me feel this way in a very long time.  Thanks for sharing so much about yourself, I really appreciate it and i want you to know you have a beautiful heart and soul and i can tell that you are a sincere and honest person. This is what draws me to you because i feel like i can trust you and tell you just about just anything and everything and you would not judge me in anyway.("SWEET CREATURE!" SAID THE SPIDER, "YOU'RE WITTY AND YOU'RE WISE)  I am really sorry that you have been hurt in the past my dear (WHAT?  I SAID EVERYONE HAS FACED ADVERSITY IN RELATIONSHIPS), My advise is that you do not let it weigh you down too much..Just look at it as a stepping stone to something and someone better. You have to let the past be behind you for without letting go of your past, You cannot concentrate on the future and how to make it better, Always Think positive at all times and believe in your heart that God is directing your footsteps. (THANKS, DR. PHIL)

To tell you about my Job,(DID I ASK?  NO)  I Work as a drilling engineer  and also as a contractor, my job entails maximizing the recovery of crude oil from the subsurface of the ocean. mostly on an oil platform like the oil rig, i am currently an independent contractor and i have been for the past 4 years Now, I Love This profession because it has related me to meet (DON'T YOU MEAN IT HAS ALLOWED?  GOOGLE TRANSLATOR ISN'T READING YOU SO WELL) so many great people around the globe by the end of a business relationship, Work is so demanding and i have to put all the time necessary so i always achieve the best of it, In situations and in between, have much time to enjoy life or pursue other interest. It is not so much fun now anyway as i have to meet up with the responsibility of my daughter so i am hoping to retire soon after this project and maybe set up a company i can manage from home (AND SINCE YOU'RE WILLING TO RELOCATE FOR THE RIGHT WOMAN, IT COULD BE ANYWHERE) and i do not have to travel and leave my  family behind, I feel that she needs all my love and attention  at this point in her life and i want to be there for her in the best way i can. Hopefully when i meet the right woman we can both be one family and i can have a support but for now its all on me. It has been this way since i lost my late wife( I am sure she is in heaven and in a better place)

I am a very simple and humble man,(OF COURSE YOU ARE) i believe in the little things of life and giving everyone a fair chance, i am a Classy (STAY CLASS, SAN DIEGO) man who take great pleasure in knowing someone and i believe that everyday is another opportunity to do something better. I consider myself to be Godly but not a religious Fanatic, and I do practice the scripture as it is written. I love to going to church and I love reading my bible because it is the only  word of God that gives strength.When I am in worries, I would describe myself as an energetic, fun-loving, outgoing and friendly individual.(AND THIS IS WHY PUNCTUATION IS SO IMPORTANT) I have a good sense of humour (I laugh at anything), I'm sensitive yet strong, affectionate, warm-hearted and "young at heart".  (TRUST ME, I'D RUN CIRCLES AROUND YOU, OLD FART)

I strive to understand other people's points of view and it's important for me to take time to 'smell the roses'. l am a shy person by nature but tries to be outgoing. I take great pleasure in knowing someone. I would like to meet a woman who is loving, caring,honest, faithful, passionate, someone with integrity, love, affection, beautiful, and with such a charming personality..someone that i can trust and call my love and soul mate. (IF YOU MARRY HER, YOU CAN CALL HER WIFE...CHRIS TOLD ME SO. YOU MIGHT KNOW HIM.  I THINK HE SITS ACROSS FROM YOU IT THE SCAMMERS CALL CENTER)   i have been single for too long now and i think now is the time to move on and have a life. Ever since i lost my late wife. i have not been in any other serious  relationship because it has been so hard to let Go and most of the women i meet are just not my type.. I am happy i am finally moving on now.(All Thanks To Christian Mingle) (WAIT A MINUTE, ONE EMAIL AGO YOU TOLD ME YOU HAD NO SUCCESS BUT NOW YOU'RE MOVING ON?  NOT WITH ME, BUDDY)

You know i have been hurt several times as well  and it seems almost impossible not to get hurt when you open up your heart and share your personal life with someone, They always want to take advantage of that fact, It is very hard to meet a nice woman these days, A Lot of women just want to have fun but they are not ready for a committed and long term relationship. I am not interested in a one night stand relationship. I want a life, A future and a family with a woman.  You do seem like a very interesting and passionate woman and my heart says i can trust you (TELL IT TO MY HEART, TELL ME I'M THE ONLY ONE.  IS THIS REALLY LOVE OR JUST A GAME) . I do have a good feeling about you so maybe this will be a change. please tell me some more about your family, your hobbies, and what makes you happy. i would love to know. I have also attached a few more photos of me and also of my daughter Melissa, She is 15 years old now. (INTERESTING, THE PICTURES OF YOUR DAUGHTER ARE OF A VASTLY DIFFERENT QUALITY OF THE OTHER PICTURES YOU'VE PRESENTED.  I WONDER WHY?) The other picture of me on the Boat is with my Neighbors son, He is like a son i never had.  How do you feel about communicating on the phone? (I FEEL JUST FINE, DO IT ALL THE TIME...WAIT YOU MEAN WITH YOU?  DO YOU ACTUALLY SPEAK ENGLISH?) Let me know I would be waiting for a response to this letter. God bless you always

Sending Blessings and Love

Sunday, June 08, 2014

My name is Douglas illechi from United State of American

He must have been all flustered setting up his Match account.

Am I being too picky to expect someone to have the ability to string words together in a proper sentence?

I Will Be Looking Greatly Forward To Read Back From You Pretty Soon

Having decided to play along with the game after the previous email, when his plea for my email address came, I gave him my hotmail address.  I don't really use it for anything other than junk.  I though he was junk, so here you go.  You have my address.

My response to his email from yesterday's post, went something like this:

Stephen, thank you for your email.  That was quite an introduction.  Since your membership is going to end, here is my email address.  Look forward to hearing more about you.

I received this along with 6 pictures:

Hi Dear, i am so Glad that you gave me your email address on the site,  I would really love to communicate with you because i feel that you are a nice and wonderful lady (YOU ARE MAKING ASSUMPTIONS, ALBEIT CORRECT) and we might share a lot of common interest. I'm dropping a yellow rose that signify friendship, I will love to be a friend and get to know you more and perhaps see how things go between us because nobody knows what God has in store for us. (BLECH, BUT SURE, USE THE YELLOW ROSE OF FRIENDSHIP AND CONTINUE TO PLAY THE GOD CARD) Please let me know if my rose is accepted, I will be looking greatly forward to read back from you pretty soon.(GIGGLESNORT, CHUCKLE, REALLY?  I HAD TO READ THAT SENTENCE TWICE) I have also attached a few of my photos to this email so you can see my physical appearance. (WHAT AMERICAN MAN WRITES LIKE THAT)  I just hope you would like it. (THE PICTURES DID SHOW AN ATTRACTIVE GUY, BUT I'M SMART ENOUGH TO KNOW BETTER) Please send me a response on receipt of this email and also share some more info about yourself too so i can know you more better.(MO BETTAH, MO BETTAH, MO BETTAH)  I hope to read from you again soon. God bless you..

At least this was shorter than his introductory, look at me I'm an amazing, wonderful, guy, why wouldn't you want me, email.  I did not respond to this email immediately.  By immediately, I mean within 4 hours.  I let him stew for a day.  Do you know he forwarded the email to me again?  Idiot thought he had a live one on the line and wanted to make sure I was completely hooked.

I have a pretty decent instinct about people and I knew this guy was full of it, but I wanted to see where he was going to take it.  I wrote back.  Let the games continue....

Saturday, June 07, 2014

Waiting To Read From You

I'm waiting to read from you?  Um, ok.  How about, "I'm waiting to hear from you," "I look forward to your response."   As so begins the short lived saga of Stephen aka Freak2.

It started with a SMILE.  On Christian Mingle a "smile" is a canned opener, a pre-written ice breaker.  Some of the smiles are Cheese Factor Warp 10.  Others are a bit less so.  Stephen sent a smile and I responded innocuously with "Thank you for the smile."  Below is what I received in return.  Enjoy the running commentary.

Hi dear, (YOU DON'T KNOW ME, DON'T CALL ME DEAR) My Name is Stephen, i am very honored to get a message from you, when i sent you the smile earlier i just sat and thought if you would ever respond back to me because there is no photo on my profile. but i am glad you did which is a good thing, Probably a step to something better. (A LITTLE THICK THERE BUDDY) I did upload some photos on my profile but for some reason it did not appear on there, i think its because of the sizes, i contacted the customer service and they promised to get it fixed but to no Avail. well  I hope this message will meet you Good (I AM MILDLY AMUSED BY THAT SENTENCE) I'll be happy to be friends with you and to share words of life together, I am looking for a good and honest relationship with a woman i can hopefully spend the rest of my life with, (DANGER, A PREPOSITION DANGLER) I find you very interesting and it would be wonderful if we both establish a connection with each other and try to know more about ourselves (I KNOW ABOUT MYSELF, DO WE REALLY NEED TO TRY TO KNOW MORE ABOUT OURSELVES) . what do you think?  (I THINK A LOT OF THINGS, MOSTLY THAT THIS IS GOING NO WHERE, BUT I'LL HAVE SOME FUN WITH YOU FIRST)
> >
> >I will tell you a little about myself.(WHY?  I DIDN'T ASK FOR THE INFORMATION)  I have been a single for 5 years ,I am good at heart, open minded, inquisitive, I enjoy learning whether in a formal interactions with people and other cultures. I set goals and chase after them, believing that life is best experienced when lived (WOULD BE HARD TO EXPERIENCE LIFE IF YOU'RE DEAD, SO YES IT'S BEST WHEN LIVED). I am looking for someone to journey with me in the adventure of life. I have a heart of supporting others through difficult times. I am an Understanding and intuitive to know what someone wants, but most importantly what they may not want. I am very happy and content with the life God gave me and choose to go forward not backward, I look for the same with someone I would spend time with. Confident not arrogant, a lover not a fighter and genuine not a poser. (BLAH BLAH BLAH)
> >
> >I was born into a catholic family but later grew up to become a pentecostal. I am passionate about the things I love and love to do (REDUNDANT MUCH).I also enjoy spending good time with the less privileges at the orphanage homes and old peoples home and being creative with my hands in general. I find myself outside a lot, and camping. I don’t watch much TV, but when I do, I like reality shows, love stories. Dancing is a passion. A great portion of my free time is spent dancing. That can be in the form of taking lessons, teaching lessons or social dancing. Learning and practicing the intricacies of various dance forms, especially swing, is an important part of my life.(HE MUST BE AWARE THAT WOMEN SAY THEY WANT A MAN WHO CAN DANCE. I FALL INTO THAT CATEGORY BUT ONLY IF YOU LOOK LIKE MAKSIM CHMERKOVSKIY) I take pleasure in the sights and sounds of nature from the backyard as the sun sets. The moon always intrigues me. For me it reveals a sense of awe of God’s creation, as does most of nature. (IS THERE A MANUAL FOR THE SCHMOOZING OF CHRISTIAN WOMEN BY A SCAM ARTIST. LETS BRING GOD AND NATURE INTO PLAY...WOMEN LOVE THAT STUFF)
> >I
> >Well I am willing to relocate for the right woman and that should not be a problem at all. (I BET YOU ARE)
> >
> >PS: I subscribed for a month but my subscription ends soon probably tomorrow, i would really appreciate if you could send me your email address or phone number so we can communicate when it ends because i do not think i would be subscribing any more as i did not find any luck here. i am not good with this and it is really frustrating. i would send photos of me to your E-mail Address when i get it okay. Thanks  (INTERESTING, YOU'VE PLAY THE GOD, NATURE, ORPHANS, ELDERLY, SUBSCRIPTION ENDING CARD.  I'M ALREADY ON TO YOUR GAME, SO I'LL PLAY FOR A LITTLE WHILE)

Again, I know some women might fall for this, but I'm jaded.  Words have power regardless, so you have to use them carefully.  These were overused and the bright red freak flag went flying.  More to come as each email was like this...truly some amusing stuff.

Friday, June 06, 2014

Goodbye, My Name Is Debbie

Here is the entire email from Mike on Match:

Hello, my name Is Mike. Looks like we have a few things in common, so I decided to reach out n make contact n c if u r interested. I teach n coach basketball at my HS. I love wking kids. If u r interested, please write back. Look forward to hearing from u. Thanks for reading.

I have not responded.  Actually, I can't respond because I am a bit flabbergasted and realize any response I make right now would not be polite.

In my head, it goes something like:

"Mike, in a wrld whre u gt one chnce 2 mke uh 1st imprssn, 1 wud thk ud use real wrds vs ltrs.  I love the written word.  Your email has convinced me that you are not as erudite as I would desire in someone with whom I could possibly engage in a relationship.  In fact, such lazy diction in a first email reveals that state of our culture and thoroughly explains the state of our educational system.   Might I suggest a dictionary for the words you do not understand?  While I applaud your courage for reaching out, your email does nothing to elicit my interest; however, it does explain why you are a coach."

Oh snap!  

Because I am a kind-hearted, I will probably respond using really small, but nice words.  Just because I'm good like that.

Thursday, June 05, 2014

Jackwagon Scambuster Extraordinaire

I will return to my irregularly scheduled blogging about the hilarity of online dating sites after this message from my sponsor: Angry Orchard -- Sometimes a girl needs a good, hard cider.

The freaks I encountered on CM are really scam artists.  Shocking, I know.  I had to  pick myself up off the floor.  Not really, but it made for some dramatic effect, no?  I'm not gullible to the ways of the net.  It does have a dark and dangerous side, we see it daily.  But my wisdom comes from a fairly sophisticated, time tested tradition... If it looks and smells like poop, it's poop.  

This made it very easy to put together patterns with the yokels.  They must think women on these sites are desperate and/or stupid.  Now, I will say that there are probably some who are, but not this chickie.

Points of interest about these men:

  1. They all have jobs in the oil industry which require them to be gone a lot of the time. 
  2. They spend a lot of time working on the rigs
  3. They either are divorced or widowed and their child either has a nanny, or she lives with the mother's mother "due to the nature of the job and for her proper upbringing.  Yes I heard that same line from two different people.  What are the odds they are reading from a script?
  4. They all have daughters, no mention of sons at all.  
  5. They only have the one child
  6. All of them have an "instant attraction" to you.  Fate, wavelength, clicking, blah blah blah
  7. They all pretty much have the same line of poop.  I'm looking for my life partner, my soul mate, a woman to call my wife.
  8. They all send very long emails full of wonderful descriptors about themselves, which really has no details
  9. Their emails have an interesting non native American English turn of phrasing.  We know how we talk and write.  They have no clue.  Hello Google Translator
  10. I think they are poaching pictures from the net to seem valid
  11. They all are from a distant state which means they are not paying attention when you say you want someone within 100 miles of your state
  12. Did I mention they get butterflies by email #2 and they think about you and how wonderful this is going to be?
  13. They want you to plan the future if the relationship becomes serious.
  14. Put on hip waders at bullet point 1
For those less aware of the world and really wanting to find someone, I'm sure they would readily eat up the "romantic" compliments.  I don't understand how, it takes me some time before I start believing it and certainly not after an exchange of 2-3 emails.  To get me to bite, you have to get into my head and these guys just can't do that.

But whatever...I think there are nice guys on the sites, you just have to weed through the sewage to get to them. 

This has been your online dating service poop detection message for the year.  Comedy writing will be posted soon.

Wednesday, June 04, 2014

I Really Don't Know. It's Like a Surprise To My Notice

In a word, HUH???  Oh my, someone let the crazies loose on Christian Mingle.  

First, to everyone who is in a committed relationship or married, please know that you are lucky. Being single these days is really horrid.  Don't get me wrong, all of us single folk aren't crazy.  I'm just not sure why I seem to attract them on these sites.

Do they circle around waiting for fresh faces to appear then pounce?  Fins to the left, fins to the right.  Sorry I digressed into a moment of Jimmy Buffet.  June 21st my friends!  


Guy #1 - Chris - 50 y/o Beverly Hills, CA.  First, my profile says within 100 miles of Fort Worth.  Strike 1 - you can't read.  Strike 2 - your first email to me is 6 paragraphs long.  Strike 3...this excerpt.

I am honest and I don't like to lie and I hate lie, deception and dupery. I help my friends if they have problems. I am faithful in friendship and in love. I do what I say and what I think. All my acts in my life reflect my mind. I am easy to live and I hate quarrellings. My dream is to get married again to a lovely woman that will be called my wife and life time partner.I need a loving and caring person besides me. I'd like to spend as much time as possible together, to share problems like: sorrow, joy and thoughts.

I don't like to lie?  Does that mean you do, but you simply don't enjoy it?  But, you also hate lie.  Do you mean you hate lying McLiarsons?  Dupery?  Whaa, huh?  I am easy to live?  Hey, Captain Obvious, when you marry someone, she is usually called your wife.  Apparently, sorry, joy, and thoughts are also problems. 

Oh dear Chris, thank you for your email.  I proceeded to ask if he was American because his writing pattern, the words, and cadence with which he wrote didn't match what I am used to seeing.

I received this.  "I really don't know it's like a surprise to my notice, well I will like you to open a yahoo account so I can show myself to you on a webcam"

I think someone is hitting the google translator a wee bit too hard.  Needless to say I let him down gently.  Really, if you hate dupery, why not just tell me the truth?  It's like the man on Match who said his name was Dave in his profile and Curt in his email.  I busted him.  He's changed his profile.

Dear Lord, send me one sweet, normal, non dupery man.  Please.