Saturday, July 19, 2014

Best Email Response on Match

I had a guy like one of my pictures, I found him to be interesting, so I shot him an email.


"Your profile made me laugh and I thought I would respond so I wouldn't be considered a jerk.  THERE are a lot of creeps and weird people on Match and I'm not one of them.  Who knows what THEIR intentions are but THEY'RE annoying a lot of women.  I've had my fun now! I thought you were a pretty woman so I liked your picture as a compliment but I'm not sure we are a match but I'm sure over coffee and a drink you would be fun to have a conversation with and laugh.  Wish you luck in your search.  Sam"

The very last line in my profile states, "If you don't know the difference between "THERE", "THEIR", AND "THEY'RE"  you will make me cringe in horror"

Oh Sam, I adore your wit!! Thank you for the laugh.

My First Worst Date of 2014

It was bound to happen eventually and I've been prepared for it...the worst date in recent history.  

I am going on hiatus from Match when my subscription ends in a few days.  Alex sent me an email, which I appreciate over a wink.  I responded.  Since I'm leaving, I gave him my alias number.  I liked his profile and we had a great hour long conversation.  Very like minded.  We agreed to meet over the weekend.

I should have known when I entered Le Madeline as a late breakfast option and the word "budget" came out of his mouth, this was not going to be a great time. Further into the conversation on Saturday,after sorting out details, he did mention he was all about independence and paying his own way.  Read that as manspeak for "chick, you're on your own"  which really doesn't bother me at all.  I always go into a first meeting with the assumption that it will be dutch.  

IHOP.  Yes, IHOP is where we met.  I love their pancakes which was the only saving grace.  We were meeting at 10:30.  I called him at 10:20 to tell him that my map directions were wrong so his GPS might not work.  He said he's running to the ATM and is running late.  Nice, you could have called but since we have a 20 minute wait anyway it's no harm no foul.

When I meet someone for the first time, I put some care into my appearance.  For crying out loud, I'm a girl.  We do things like that.  Besides, you never know if you're going to fire on all cylinders with the person and you should simply look pretty decent.  Alex shows up in jean (no issue),  a faded grey, graphic t-shirt (nothing says I'm boring like faded grey), and unkempt hair.

Had I possessed thought bubbles:  "Let's hope his conversation is better than his appearance","Dude, you could have combed your hair!", "Really?!?", "Now I see why California let you go", "An hour or less, then I'm outta here"

I am not a judgmental sort.  I'm really not.  I have people in my circle from all walks of life.  However...

We sat at a 4 top, on opposite sides (par for the course); however, instead of directly opposite, he sat adjacent.  I was required to look somewhat sideways.  Waitress was super nice, took our order and brought the coffee and water (and straws).  I poured the coffee and Alex proceeded to take the straw and stir his coffee (after adding in the goodies).  No problem.  That was until he drank his coffee with the straw still in the mug.  He never removed it.  Two cups of coffee consumed with the straw in the mug, mocking me.

Breakfast arrived, conversation continued, with gaps and pauses.  I simply wanted to eat and leave.  Check that, I just wanted to leave.  Not feeling it, not after the stories he's told me.  He has a paralegal degree, a BA in political science, a Masters in Education and no jobs in California.  He came to Texas for a better economic life.  He wants to find a woman who isn't all wrapped up in a man's finances.  HELLO RED FLAG!  I ain't the sugar mama.  He works  two part time jobs as he is looking for a full time position.  Who knows what he wants to do?  I'm not sure he does.

Picture having this conversation with a man who is drinking his coffee with a straw in the mug, while stuffing his face with strawberry and banana pancakes.  No biggie, right?  It isn't, if you aren't looking has his gaping maw full of semi-chewed pancakes.  DEAR LORD IN HEAVEN ABOVE.  But wait, there's more....random clinging food particles on his mouth.


I couldn't look him in the face.  He was droning on and on about people in Texas being folksy and how the California women are so pretentious.  He obviously had not been to Highland Park.  I remedied his notion and proceeded to tell him that women here can be every bit as pretentious and judgmental about men.  I also told him, that by our nature, women do look at men as the protector/defender and with that comes the ability for a man to take care of us.  It's rolled into a complete package and the man has to be able to fill that roll.

I wasn't telling him that money is the only thing, because it isn't.  However, he took it that way and shortly thereafter we ended the meet.  Thank goodness, it was only one hour of my life that I won't have again.  Beyond the lack of basic manners, this jerk stiffed the waitress her portion of his tip.  What kind of person does that?  I was truly offended on her behalf at that point.

There was such a lack of chemistry, we created a sucking, black hole of nothing.  Yes it was that void.  A handshake, a smattering of pleasantries and I got to my car as fast as I could.  I prayed that I wouldn't hear from him.  God listened :)

Being a female, I arrived at my best friend's house as fast as I could to regale her with the awful, but funny details.

In spite of things having slowed to a halt with Normal Guy (he's been textually attentive this week ... uh BFD) and occasional date with Junior (we're going out on Sunday), I still prefer them 1000% over Alex.

It could have been worse.  I actually had a date back in the late 90s (after my divorce) with a man who didn't realize that nostril hair, growing out of the nostrils is grossly unpleasant.  See, it could have been worse.

You take the good.  You take the bad.  You take them both and there you have the facts of meeting prospective dating partners online.  

Tuesday, July 15, 2014

Presenting DirkDiggler1270

I have to say that sometimes the stories simply write themselves.  If I go back to Match in the future, I really have to ensure that I say something about the chest/guns/I'm a stud shots some of these guys post.  Not to mention the pictures from a decade ago.

This guy (Geez I hear cheesy 70s porn music ... I'M IMAGINING, I HAVE NO IDEA...other than having watched Boogie Nights) just creeps me out in so many different ways.  First, this is his only picture.  For the life of me, I can't determine why he's even a "match".

Sure that picture exudes male confidence.  I'm totally digging on the shaggy hair and the stache...oh hotness.  Slather him up with some oil and bring on the whipped cream.  You know someone in the background will yell "action". 

Come on ladies, admit it, you are as turned on by this as I am.  Please wait while I desperately resume contact with Thomas Green.  

Bow Chicka Wow Wow!!  Admit it, you said it to yourself.

Sunday, July 13, 2014

Hehehe, I Did It For You ... Goodbye Tommy Gee

Here's the story,
Of a lovely lady,
Who was aware of online petroleum engineers.
All of them had teenage daughters, 
and were lonely
Wanting money fast.

Here's the story,
of a "man" named "Tommy"
Who was busy scamming all the cash he could,
He was one man in a call center
Writing not so good.

Till the one day when the lady scammed this fellow
and she knew it was much more than a hunch
That this idiot would keep on sending email
And she would crush his nuts.

Oh Thomas Green, Thomas Green
That's the way you get shut the heck down

And so we have arrived at the end of our little saga of Thomas Green.  It has been tremendous fun to write about this idiot.  I had hoped to play with him until he asked me for money, but I just couldn't keep up the stupid, I love you even though I haven't met you, pretense.  Yes, I'm easily bored.

Friday, July 11th, he decided to send me some pictures he took just for me.  I present Exhibits A and B for your perusal:

He was so thrilled to send me pictures of him at work.  Really, indistinguishable men working is "you"? Yes, somehow I am going to believe that, since I have believed everything else I've read from you.  Thanks to my friend Susan (shout out, sistah!  Send me that hot cardiologist of yours :) ) enlightening me that you could Google images, I decided to run these through.

First though, my darling Thom-ass is supposedly in the Gulf of Mexico, but somehow I get a helicopter of "Life Guard Alaska".  Things that make you go hmmmm.  Second, well I will let you laugh at my email response to little Tommy Boy.


Hi Thomas,

Wow amazing pictures.  I'm so glad you were able to send them to me.  I can't believe you allowed me to see the great work that everyone is doing.  You should be very proud of yourself and what you've accomplished.   It allowed me to confirm everything I knew from your very first email.  I love that picture of the workers from a Royal Dutch Shell platform in Brunei...they know how to handle a drill bit that's for sure.  Don't believe me?  Check out this article:  Also you send me a picture of a Life Guard Alaska helicopter in an attempt to get me to believe you're somewhere offshore in the Gulf of Mexico?  You idiots are really pathetic.

You see you jackass, I know you've been doing your best to con me from the very first email.  Do you think anything I've said to you is real?  I thought I could play the game.  I thought I could hold out until you told me that your fake daughter "Amanda" was ill and that you needed money but you were on the rig and couldn't access your account and wouldn't I send some since you love me so.

I just can't pretend to be stupid.  You barely write in proper English, so my guess is that you're part of the well known romance scam group that try to prey on people.  Not for one moment have I believed a word you've said.  In fact, it's been a huge joke on the internet since I have been posting everything you have said for everyone to see.

Do you really think a person who writes as well as I do would be remotely attracted to the illiterate, inane, stupid lines you use?  You can't even get the name I gave you correct, you can't spell the word "re" properly, your sentences make no sense and you surely don't know how to run a con.  You write like a foreigner...oh wait, that's what you are.

You see "Thomas", I work for a company that has 100s of fraud investigators world wide.  I could spend the time tracing your IP address or your non-fixed VoIP phone number, but I'm truly not that interested.

Consider yourself busted.  You don't even know my real name or if I'm even a woman.  For the record, no real man would write the shit you write and no real woman would believe it.

By the way, here is my real picture.  Go find someone else to believe your game. This person isn't.  

 I'm not sure why he didn't respond.

Hi Lisa, Its Thomas - TeeGee Part 10

And so begins the texting conversation.  The scammers truly believe they have won your confidence and eternal love/devotion if you give them your cell number...of course, he was given an alias number.

Very first text:

T:  Hi Lisa, its Thomas.  I hope am on the right track? (NO, NO YOU AREN'T)



T:  Ahhh's your health now?


T:  Ah, I have been thinking about you all day and praying for your recovering and Amanda is not left out in this too lol.  I feel really delighted, I just sent you a message on your inbox telling you how greatful i'm so far in this  (YES YOU ARE SO FAR IN THIS...LIKE NECK DEEP IN POOP)

D:  You must have sent it to Lisa.  Nothing in my inbox.  (SNAP, 0 TO B!TCH IN 60 SECONDS)

T:  Lol I was just being playful here, Debbi. (YEAH YEAH, MOMENTARY LAPSE IN MEMORY FOR YOU)  I talk to no Lisa.  But it s fine now that am here with you talking to you.

D:  Ah, am surprised you re still home. How long do you get to stay?

T:  I stayed for 2 weeks this time but I will surely will be leaving this week now to work babe.  Is your instant messenger fixed up?

D:  I have skype

T:  Okay, just get me your skype name here now.  (DEMANDING MUCH?)

I'm so totally bored with the cretin, I'm not sure I can hang on for much longer...I have a hard time playing stupid and gushing about how wonderful I think he is.

I'm giving him mundane stuff and he's going on and on about how he enjoys every moment with me.

T:  I need to be at the airport morning so chopper needs to come first then straight to work.

D:  So you will fly in a helicopter from Newark to the Gulf of Mexico?

T:  Yes babe, is there any problem? (NO OTHER THAN YOU MUST THINK YOU HAVE ME ON A HOOK)

D:  Must have a lot of in-flight refueling

T:  lol yes we do always babe  (DO YOU EVEN KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS?)

The above convo was while I was at work.  He asks if I'm on skype.

D:  I'm at work so no

T:  Oh I almost forgot. (YOU JUST ASKED IF I WAS AT WORK!)  Am always carried away while am with you.  Please pardon me.  I don't think i will be able to send down your surprise before I leave tomorrow since I don't know where to sent this to.(BECAUSE YOU THOUGHT I WOULD GIVE YOU MY HOME ADDRESS??)  I have a plan on leaving to stay in a more better place.  After my retirement here from works, the contract I hoped for and more.  I wish to grow old loving someone right next to me, I don't want to grow old alone babe.  So I'm willing to commute and relocate if needs be for a future partner tomorrow.(WOULD YOU BE SO WILLING IF I DON'T OFFER YOU MONEY)  I so have a lot to offer and share heart to heart babe.

Mind you we have only exchanged emails for maybe 9 days...I get this drivel.  You know he's thinking he's working me.

T:  Hi babe, I know you must be asleep by now. (YES, IT WAS 12:45AM)  Since you came into my life, my life has been different and so perfect.(I SMELL MONEY) personality and your strong desire and love for kids.  I feel I have found the right one.  With no doubts, I know how slowly you wanna take this, but at anytime i wish to take this to a greater height.  I feel better you are getting stronger each day, may be am your strength, your other half.  Amanda prays for you always here, I think she loves you.  GOOD NIGHT MY LOVER, GOOD NIGHT MY FRIEND.

ROFLMBO...I hurt myself laughing at that last line.  Lover?  Really?  Is that supposed to illicit some emotional, physiological response in the heart of lonely women looking for the right one online??  These folks are seriously bad at what they do, but it must work because they keep on doing it and must have some success.

He just goes on and on with this crap.  Friday evening he sends "pictures" of him at work...uh yeah, that's it's I'm done.  I sent him an email busting him and his con.  Strangely enough, he must not have read his email because I received this text (never heard the messages beep):

Thomas Green's final text:  You are the first thing to enter my mind in the morning and the last thing to leave my heart at night.  I'm just here to talk to you before it gets busy today.  You will always remain in my thought.  Thinking about you.  Good Morning.

What I find particularly funny is how perfectly written this last text was. They must have a database of emails from a variety of people and cut/paste at will.  I will wrap up the Saga of Thomas Green with my email reply to his "pictures".  I just couldn't do it any more.