For 18 months my heart has been suffering. Suffering from the inability to let go of the one I though would be the one. Suffering a thousand moments of pain and angst too great to even mention. Suffering the type of pain that makes bleeding out seem so much easier than waking up to face the day. I have thought about writing, since it's cathartic for me, but there was just too much inside to release.
How do you let go of someone who looked you in the eyes and told you that he'd been in love with you for over a decade? This same person who knew all your secrets, thoughts, hopes, dreams from back then. Someone who remembered the smallest details of your conversations. Someone who said he didn't want to live with any regrets and asked you to take a chance on him because he knew you were guarded.
In all of this, I don't understand how someone can tell you they love you and walk away without a word. No goodbye, no I'm done, no I don't love you anymore. There is so much to this story, most of it okay until the end. I went on vacation and he went away.
To say that I have prayed without ceasing, would be correct. I have been prostrate on the floor both in prayer and grief. I've raged and screamed at God for allowing this to have happened. For such a long time, I couldn't understand why. I still don't. Why would God greenlight this situation? Why allow me to hurt in ways I never dreamed were possible.
Through it all, God has been there. His mighty arms holding me close and loving me in my most unlovable moments. He has been whispering in my ear, "Child, have patience and faith." I have heard those words over and over and over. Even as I have watched my life move on and the one dream I had remained unfulfilled, I know God has been there.
God is good though. I finally realized the lessons I was meant to learn. For years, I kept myself closed off and guarded. I never wanted to be emotionally skewered. A failed marriage and a dysfunctional rebound relationship will do that to you. It was always easier to not be in a relationship. I've had my walls, double thick and insurmountable. That was until Adam
His purpose in my life was to allow me to open my heart. Yes I was hurt in the end, but he was the only man who knew me through some dark moments. The bonds formed all those years ago were the only things that gave me the permission to walk into his arms and be vulnerable. He wouldn't be the one to hurt me.
So God, in His infinite wisdom gave me Adam, knowing that I would be hurt. Knowing that I would come out of this a different woman. Knowing that I would be stronger for it.
Over the last few weeks, I've been praying for all of this to go away and for the plan that God has for my life to come to fruition. I think it's finally happening. I can't tell you when, perhaps at the end of May, I asked God to help me dissolve my feelings for him. As Adam told me when he came back, "being in love and it being one-sided stinks", and he was right. He'd been in that situation with me and now I was in it with him. Slowly but surely, the hurt has diminished.
I started by removing him as a friend on Facebook. That's where we reconnected. Again, I prayed that if this door was being shut, I needed another one to open. I tried to make contact just to say goodbye, but he doesn't care enough to do that. I've deleted all his text messages from my phone. Some very sweet things were said there.
For some unknown reason, I found myself joining Christian Mingle. I don't know why. I have to say it's probably God's hand. As the door of Adam has been shut, a new door is slowly opening. I'm in no rush and I like the pace. I'm asking God to have his hand in this, whatever it may be. I need to wisdom to know what to do and to discern what is true and what is false.
So as the time has come to let it go, I have. Unanswered questions, unspeakable pain, hurt beyond all measure, they are gone.