Thursday, June 05, 2014

Jackwagon Scambuster Extraordinaire

I will return to my irregularly scheduled blogging about the hilarity of online dating sites after this message from my sponsor: Angry Orchard -- Sometimes a girl needs a good, hard cider.

The freaks I encountered on CM are really scam artists.  Shocking, I know.  I had to  pick myself up off the floor.  Not really, but it made for some dramatic effect, no?  I'm not gullible to the ways of the net.  It does have a dark and dangerous side, we see it daily.  But my wisdom comes from a fairly sophisticated, time tested tradition... If it looks and smells like poop, it's poop.  

This made it very easy to put together patterns with the yokels.  They must think women on these sites are desperate and/or stupid.  Now, I will say that there are probably some who are, but not this chickie.

Points of interest about these men:

  1. They all have jobs in the oil industry which require them to be gone a lot of the time. 
  2. They spend a lot of time working on the rigs
  3. They either are divorced or widowed and their child either has a nanny, or she lives with the mother's mother "due to the nature of the job and for her proper upbringing.  Yes I heard that same line from two different people.  What are the odds they are reading from a script?
  4. They all have daughters, no mention of sons at all.  
  5. They only have the one child
  6. All of them have an "instant attraction" to you.  Fate, wavelength, clicking, blah blah blah
  7. They all pretty much have the same line of poop.  I'm looking for my life partner, my soul mate, a woman to call my wife.
  8. They all send very long emails full of wonderful descriptors about themselves, which really has no details
  9. Their emails have an interesting non native American English turn of phrasing.  We know how we talk and write.  They have no clue.  Hello Google Translator
  10. I think they are poaching pictures from the net to seem valid
  11. They all are from a distant state which means they are not paying attention when you say you want someone within 100 miles of your state
  12. Did I mention they get butterflies by email #2 and they think about you and how wonderful this is going to be?
  13. They want you to plan the future if the relationship becomes serious.
  14. Put on hip waders at bullet point 1
For those less aware of the world and really wanting to find someone, I'm sure they would readily eat up the "romantic" compliments.  I don't understand how, it takes me some time before I start believing it and certainly not after an exchange of 2-3 emails.  To get me to bite, you have to get into my head and these guys just can't do that.

But whatever...I think there are nice guys on the sites, you just have to weed through the sewage to get to them. 

This has been your online dating service poop detection message for the year.  Comedy writing will be posted soon.

1 comment:

RhapsodyInProse said...

You should put a link to this in your online profile if they let you -- LOL. :)