Saturday, October 15, 2011

Where My History Begins: Not So Final Thoughts

I've started this post on a beautiful Saturday morning in October and I have been struggling with what to write. How do I properly end my India posts? The installments were designed to capture every memory I had made; to give everyone a glimpse of the who, what, when, and where I was experiencing. Maybe foolishly, I thought I would share and move on. It was only a business trip, right? However, it quickly it became so much more than just visiting the teams.

Since these post can be read by anyone, I've kept them as innocuous as possible. All the important details are on the journal in the photo. I stumbled across it on my last day there. If you could see the pages...hand written, sometimes tear stained and always with my heart spilled across it's beautiful pages.

Re-reading my blog posts, I laughed, I cried, and I relived every moment I had there. I hope as you have read them, you enjoyed the journey. And for you my friends, this is where the written journey ends. For me, it just might be where everything begins.

Something deep within me has changed; and I cannot go back to the person I was before I left. It is a rather frightening prospect. Change is good. But change is scary, especially when you have no idea what change might bring.

It's been obvious to everyone around me that I have changed. I walked into the office the Monday following my return and three people said I was glowing and asked if I had fallen in love. What? In love? Huh? Craziness? Even if I had, I wouldn't tell. What I will say is that Bombay was exceptionally good for me. Everyone sees an outward difference and I can feel the internal change.

Can visiting a new place really cause that much change to your persona? Was it something deeper? I've questioned that so many times since coming home. Being introspective is so difficult when you can't put your finger on a specific "thing" that happened. It was everything and some things more than others. It was everyone and someone more than others. It was everywhere and some place more than others.

What I saw of Bombay was so brief. Five and half days in the office and one weekend. And yet it made a huge impact on me. How is it that I feel so connected to a place that has previously held no interest to me?

For those who have been around me forever, they know I had always been drawn to Ireland. Fascinated by it's history, captivated by it's music, intrigued by its rich Celtic mystique. I was happy to claim my "Green" card and I firmly believed that there was some Irish in me somewhere. That would explain the deep pull I had. After all, there were Irish in India in the 1700's. Surely, some pretty Indian girl fell in love with a hunky dark headed, blue-eyed Irish lad and generations later, that love of anything Celtic resurfaced in me. Turns out there are some similarites between the Celts and Hindus.

A funny thing happened though. As I left Bombay to come home, crushed in so many ways, I briefly saw the coast of Ireland, and then it was gone. Shrouded in cloud cover so thick that I never saw the island again. A friend said it was a "sign from God" and maybe he was right. While I still love the Celtic art and the music; the lure and magic it once held is greatly diminished. It has been replaced by something closer to the core of my very existance.

Since I've been home, it feels like all roads are leading back to India. I don't know why. So I've been praying daily for discernment and to understand why I feel the way I do. I need the clarity but don't have it yet.

I have been told numerous times over the last 4 weeks, "come back soon." How do I ignore such an entreaty? I have an ever growing list of things to do when I get back there: Places to go, things to do, food to eat, lessons to learn. Adventures not yet named. Going back will not be soon enough. I want to go back to Gateway of India. I want to eat great curries. I want a perfect chai tea and chococinos from Cafe Coffee Day. I want a home cooked meal. I want to learn the about the history and cultures. I want to visit Goa, Kerala, and Benares. I want to sit in the sand and daydream. I want to dip my toes in the Arabian Sea.

So much to do, so much to see...and India is so far away from me.

While I bid Bombay and those there a fond farewell, it's only for a short time. There is no doubt that I will be going back. The question is when? If not for work, then definitely on a personal vacation.

Who would have ever thought a girl, at least four generations removed from India would visit and immediately feel at home.


hugbandit7 said...

I think you fell in love with India!

In Russet Shadows said...

I think, despite what I've said, that you can hurt yourself trying to figure everything out. Trust is more important than explanation.

Pray, discern, and then go. Only then will you know if it is the appeal of the exotic, or somewhere that you are meant to stay.