Friday, May 17, 2013

Confessions Of A Former Out Of Control, Mad Diabetic

Warning:  May contain worry inducing commentary...don't be alarmed.

Diabetes runs in the family on both sides, so it stands to reason that the curse would find someone in the immediate family. Not to mention that my ethnicity also contributes, along with all the other factors; sedentary lifestyle, poor eating and exercising habits.  I guess I was destined to be the chosen one in my immediate family.

Somewhere between 2002-2005, I was diagnosed with diabetes.  I remember the doctor telling me, prescribing the meds and having her nurse show me how to use a glucometer.  I remember walking out of her office in a daze, sitting in my car and bawling.  I called my mom and cried some more.

Living with it is a challenge.  Yes, as a Type II, I have it somewhat easier than Type I sufferers. Either way, it's not a pleasant disease.  To effectively manager Type II, you have to make some serious changes in your life.  Watching your diet, exercising, taking meds until you can get it under control.  Easier said than done sometimes because to master those things, requires some mental preparedness.

But what the doctors don't often mention in the diagnosis is the sheer mental exhaustion with fighting against it.  Every stick of the lancet, every insulin injection, the feeling of being chained to the disease.  They don't tell you about the overwhelming depression and self-hatred, the "why me?" and, "what did I do to deserve this?"  They don't tell you that you feel like an epic failure when you haven't managed your condition.

They want you to take care of yourself, but when you go into the office and you get your A1c back and you get walk out feeling like a failure and when you're down, how do you manage to do the things you need to do.

I've cried, I've raged, I've contemplated really bad things.  Emotions up, emotions down.  Good days, bad days and days when everything else is falling apart so it's even worse.  

The upside; however, is that I am getting better at managing it.  It truly comes down to what you are putting in your body.  Sure I have my junk every now and then, but for the last 5 weeks I have been filling my body with good for me foods.  I haven't eliminated carbs at all.  Yes, I'm watching my sugar intake, my carbs are low on the glycemic index and I watch my carbs in the evenings.  It's worked.  For 5 weeks, I have conquered my diabetes.  I've had normal readings.  This from a person who averaged 250, I haven't seen normal in years and now, that's where they have been every time I've taken them.

That should be enough for a super emotional high and it is, but sometimes beating the beast isn't enough.  I'm staying the course and while I am not eating My Fit Foods, I'm doing my own version of them.  We'll see how this goes.  Now if everything else can get on track :)

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