I have found myself in the throes of depression lately. No singular event triggered the plunge. Generally, I can feel an onset of "the blues", but this time I didn't feel the approach. I'm simply in the midst of it. This has probably been the most profound bout I've suffered. I would be happy to isolate myself, and have at times, but that is not always an option. So, I put on my happy face and go through my day with no one the wiser.
It's a conglomeration of things I guess.
Even though I am surrounded by family and friends, I find myself lonely...which really doesn't make sense because isolation is one of the first things I try to do. It's something I can't explain. I know that I am not alone. In all things, Christ is at my side.
While I love hanging out with my family and friends, lately, I feel like I don't belong. Like I don't have anything in common with them. And I do....but I start looking at what I don't have and it starts the ball rolling. Mom and Dad have each other. My sister and her husband have each other and the kids. I don't have anyone.
With the exception of one person, my close friends are single. We have each other. And we rely on each other for companionship and it's great!!! I love all my friends...but, it's not like they are here waiting for me to get home. I share my burdens with God, but it's not as though He is going to swoop down, clean the kitchen, do the laundry, mow the backyard, walk the dogs, organize my house...all the things I have to do for and by myself.
I'm serving at church in the nursery during the first service. And I love, love, love loving on the babies. But being in there makes me once again remember how much I wanted children of my own. Its connected to having someone to rely on as I age. I am at the point where I am in touch with my own mortality. My parents are aging and I will be there to take care of them. My sister and brother in law have their two boys. But when I get old, who is going to be there for me? Who is going to make sure that I'm taken care of when I can no longer remember who or where I am? I have no one to pass on my legacy, not that I leave much behind.
I stuffed the desire for kids aside a few years ago though much prayer. God answered me, because I haven't had that ache for a very long time. But now that I'm around babies again, it has resurfaced. I know my time for a family of my own is passing rapidly with each month. It doesn't make it any easier when my mom says "I wish you had a family of your own." I have to smile and say, "Yeah, I wish I had one too. I don't know why it wasn't part of God's plan for me." It crushes me knowing that it is very likely that I will never remarry and that I will never have kids (or adopt or marry someone with kids).
On top for that emotional realization, I found out a couple of weeks ago that my ex-husband has retired from the military, achieved his bachelors degree and is teaching at a local high school. All the things I wanted for him when we were together...things that drove a wedge between us...he is now doing. It is upsetting to think that after all this time, he finally did what I dreamt of him doing. Silly man, I was right all along.
I have a friend who won't take responsibility for her own actions. Instead of reimbursing me money which she owes me, she spent wantonly and now it's coming back to haunt her. She is expecting me to handle some business dealings we have together; trying to dump it into my lap. Perhaps, she should have thought about taking care of her obligations instead of purchasing $6,000 in wood flooring and $2,000+ in furniture. All of which were not needed. Now I have the stress of that hanging over me.
I am down two people at work. Last year, I went through an ordeal which I came through on top. I proved to upper management that I could run a group. I rehired all the positions, implemented recommended changes and created a well oiled machine. Now the cogs have slipped again. I cannot control with people do, but to lose two great employees within a month of each other, makes me want to curl up in the fetal position and cry.
My health, which is really in my hands to control, is out of control. I need to take better care of myself while I still can. I know what I need to do, but I don't. Why is that? I know I need to start exercising and eating right, but why don't I? It's not that difficult. Yet....here I am...not doing what I need to do.
As I said, I know that God loves me. I love Him. My relationship is continually growing. But sometimes, its hard to believe He loves me with all the struggles I have. I know that I am no different than anyone else. We all have struggles, turmoils, and hard times. Sometimes, I simply want to say "Why me?" I don't have the answer to my questions. Am I not listening hard enough to hear what He is saying to me?
I really struggle to know what it is that I am missing. God tells us to share our trials with Him. To seek His strength and guidance. I do. I can't go through this life without His presence in it. So why do I feel so hopeless at times? Yes, I am cognizant that I am having a pity party. I know that things could be much worse. I know that I am very blessed. Logically, I know all these things. Emotionally, I'm wrecked.
Writing and music has always given me a sense of peace. I'm on my blog pounding out this post, weeping. Shortly I am going to take the dogs for a walk, get my endorphins going. I'm going to practice my guitar. I need to watch a sad movie and have a good cry. There is something about a good cry...you know the kind where your eye swell and you snot up your face?....that kind...it's a release.
Tomorrow morning, I'll get up, paste a smile on my face and make it through another day. God willing.
P.S. To my friends read this...no, this is not a desperate cry for help...I have no desire to swallow a bottle of pills and drift off, at least not today. Stop it, I'm kidding. I have much to live for (when I figure out exactly what it is, I'll let you know...again my macabre humor). I know y'all are there and love me, warts and all. I'll be back to myself eventually.