Waiting To Read From You

I'm waiting to read from you?  Um, ok.  How about, "I'm waiting to hear from you," "I look forward to your response."   As so begins the short lived saga of Stephen aka Freak2.

It started with a SMILE.  On Christian Mingle a "smile" is a canned opener, a pre-written ice breaker.  Some of the smiles are Cheese Factor Warp 10.  Others are a bit less so.  Stephen sent a smile and I responded innocuously with "Thank you for the smile."  Below is what I received in return.  Enjoy the running commentary.

Hi dear, (YOU DON'T KNOW ME, DON'T CALL ME DEAR) My Name is Stephen, i am very honored to get a message from you, when i sent you the smile earlier i just sat and thought if you would ever respond back to me because there is no photo on my profile. but i am glad you did which is a good thing, Probably a step to something better. (A LITTLE THICK THERE BUDDY) I did upload some photos on my profile but for some reason it did not appear on there, i think its because of the sizes, i contacted the customer service and they promised to get it fixed but to no Avail. well  I hope this message will meet you Good (I AM MILDLY AMUSED BY THAT SENTENCE) I'll be happy to be friends with you and to share words of life together, I am looking for a good and honest relationship with a woman i can hopefully spend the rest of my life with, (DANGER, A PREPOSITION DANGLER) I find you very interesting and it would be wonderful if we both establish a connection with each other and try to know more about ourselves (I KNOW ABOUT MYSELF, DO WE REALLY NEED TO TRY TO KNOW MORE ABOUT OURSELVES) . what do you think?  (I THINK A LOT OF THINGS, MOSTLY THAT THIS IS GOING NO WHERE, BUT I'LL HAVE SOME FUN WITH YOU FIRST)
> >
> >I will tell you a little about myself.(WHY?  I DIDN'T ASK FOR THE INFORMATION)  I have been a single for 5 years ,I am good at heart, open minded, inquisitive, I enjoy learning whether in a formal interactions with people and other cultures. I set goals and chase after them, believing that life is best experienced when lived (WOULD BE HARD TO EXPERIENCE LIFE IF YOU'RE DEAD, SO YES IT'S BEST WHEN LIVED). I am looking for someone to journey with me in the adventure of life. I have a heart of supporting others through difficult times. I am an Understanding and intuitive to know what someone wants, but most importantly what they may not want. I am very happy and content with the life God gave me and choose to go forward not backward, I look for the same with someone I would spend time with. Confident not arrogant, a lover not a fighter and genuine not a poser. (BLAH BLAH BLAH)
> >
> >I was born into a catholic family but later grew up to become a pentecostal. I am passionate about the things I love and love to do (REDUNDANT MUCH).I also enjoy spending good time with the less privileges at the orphanage homes and old peoples home and being creative with my hands in general. I find myself outside a lot, and camping. I don’t watch much TV, but when I do, I like reality shows, love stories. Dancing is a passion. A great portion of my free time is spent dancing. That can be in the form of taking lessons, teaching lessons or social dancing. Learning and practicing the intricacies of various dance forms, especially swing, is an important part of my life.(HE MUST BE AWARE THAT WOMEN SAY THEY WANT A MAN WHO CAN DANCE. I FALL INTO THAT CATEGORY BUT ONLY IF YOU LOOK LIKE MAKSIM CHMERKOVSKIY) I take pleasure in the sights and sounds of nature from the backyard as the sun sets. The moon always intrigues me. For me it reveals a sense of awe of God’s creation, as does most of nature. (IS THERE A MANUAL FOR THE SCHMOOZING OF CHRISTIAN WOMEN BY A SCAM ARTIST. LETS BRING GOD AND NATURE INTO PLAY...WOMEN LOVE THAT STUFF)
> >I
> >Well I am willing to relocate for the right woman and that should not be a problem at all. (I BET YOU ARE)
> >
> >PS: I subscribed for a month but my subscription ends soon probably tomorrow, i would really appreciate if you could send me your email address or phone number so we can communicate when it ends because i do not think i would be subscribing any more as i did not find any luck here. i am not good with this and it is really frustrating. i would send photos of me to your E-mail Address when i get it okay. Thanks  (INTERESTING, YOU'VE PLAY THE GOD, NATURE, ORPHANS, ELDERLY, SUBSCRIPTION ENDING CARD.  I'M ALREADY ON TO YOUR GAME, SO I'LL PLAY FOR A LITTLE WHILE)

Again, I know some women might fall for this, but I'm jaded.  Words have power regardless, so you have to use them carefully.  These were overused and the bright red freak flag went flying.  More to come as each email was like this...truly some amusing stuff.

Goodbye, My Name Is Debbie

Here is the entire email from Mike on Match:

Hello, my name Is Mike. Looks like we have a few things in common, so I decided to reach out n make contact n c if u r interested. I teach n coach basketball at my HS. I love wking kids. If u r interested, please write back. Look forward to hearing from u. Thanks for reading.

I have not responded.  Actually, I can't respond because I am a bit flabbergasted and realize any response I make right now would not be polite.

In my head, it goes something like:

"Mike, in a wrld whre u gt one chnce 2 mke uh 1st imprssn, 1 wud thk ud use real wrds vs ltrs.  I love the written word.  Your email has convinced me that you are not as erudite as I would desire in someone with whom I could possibly engage in a relationship.  In fact, such lazy diction in a first email reveals that state of our culture and thoroughly explains the state of our educational system.   Might I suggest a dictionary for the words you do not understand?  While I applaud your courage for reaching out, your email does nothing to elicit my interest; however, it does explain why you are a coach."

Oh snap!  

Because I am a kind-hearted, I will probably respond using really small, but nice words.  Just because I'm good like that.

Jackwagon Scambuster Extraordinaire

I will return to my irregularly scheduled blogging about the hilarity of online dating sites after this message from my sponsor: Angry Orchard -- Sometimes a girl needs a good, hard cider.

The freaks I encountered on CM are really scam artists.  Shocking, I know.  I had to  pick myself up off the floor.  Not really, but it made for some dramatic effect, no?  I'm not gullible to the ways of the net.  It does have a dark and dangerous side, we see it daily.  But my wisdom comes from a fairly sophisticated, time tested tradition... If it looks and smells like poop, it's poop.  

This made it very easy to put together patterns with the yokels.  They must think women on these sites are desperate and/or stupid.  Now, I will say that there are probably some who are, but not this chickie.

Points of interest about these men:

1. They all have jobs in the oil industry which require them to be gone a lot of the time. 
2. They spend a lot of time working on the rigs
3. They either are divorced or widowed and their child either has a nanny, or she lives with the mother's mother "due to the nature of the job and for her proper upbringing.  Yes I heard that same line from two different people.  What are the odds they are reading from a script?
4. They all have daughters, no mention of sons at all.  
5. They only have the one child
6. All of them have an "instant attraction" to you.  Fate, wavelength, clicking, blah blah blah
7. They all pretty much have the same line of poop.  I'm looking for my life partner, my soul mate, a woman to call my wife.
8. They all send very long emails full of wonderful descriptors about themselves, which really has no details
9. Their emails have an interesting non native American English turn of phrasing.  We know how we talk and write.  They have no clue.  Hello Google Translator
10. I think they are poaching pictures from the net to seem valid
11. They all are from a distant state which means they are not paying attention when you say you want someone within 100 miles of your state
12. Did I mention they get butterflies by email #2 and they think about you and how wonderful this is going to be?
13. They want you to plan the future if the relationship becomes serious.
14. Put on hip waders at bullet point 1

For those less aware of the world and really wanting to find someone, I'm sure they would readily eat up the "romantic" compliments.  I don't understand how, it takes me some time before I start believing it and certainly not after an exchange of 2-3 emails.  To get me to bite, you have to get into my head and these guys just can't do that.

But whatever...I think there are nice guys on the sites, you just have to weed through the sewage to get to them. 

This has been your online dating service poop detection message for the year.  Comedy writing will be posted soon.

I Really Don't Know. It's Like a Surprise To My Notice

In a word, HUH???  Oh my, someone let the crazies loose on Christian Mingle.  

First, to everyone who is in a committed relationship or married, please know that you are lucky. Being single these days is really horrid.  Don't get me wrong, all of us single folk aren't crazy.  I'm just not sure why I seem to attract them on these sites.

Do they circle around waiting for fresh faces to appear then pounce?  Fins to the left, fins to the right.  Sorry I digressed into a moment of Jimmy Buffet.  June 21st my friends!  

Anyway...

Guy #1 - Chris - 50 y/o Beverly Hills, CA.  First, my profile says within 100 miles of Fort Worth.  Strike 1 - you can't read.  Strike 2 - your first email to me is 6 paragraphs long.  Strike 3...this excerpt.

I am honest and I don't like to lie and I hate lie, deception and dupery. I help my friends if they have problems. I am faithful in friendship and in love. I do what I say and what I think. All my acts in my life reflect my mind. I am easy to live and I hate quarrellings. My dream is to get married again to a lovely woman that will be called my wife and life time partner.I need a loving and caring person besides me. I'd like to spend as much time as possible together, to share problems like: sorrow, joy and thoughts.

I don't like to lie?  Does that mean you do, but you simply don't enjoy it?  But, you also hate lie.  Do you mean you hate lying McLiarsons?  Dupery?  Whaa, huh?  I am easy to live?  Hey, Captain Obvious, when you marry someone, she is usually called your wife.  Apparently, sorry, joy, and thoughts are also problems. 

Oh dear Chris, thank you for your email.  I proceeded to ask if he was American because his writing pattern, the words, and cadence with which he wrote didn't match what I am used to seeing.

I received this.  "I really don't know it's like a surprise to my notice, well I will like you to open a yahoo account so I can show myself to you on a webcam"

I think someone is hitting the google translator a wee bit too hard.  Needless to say I let him down gently.  Really, if you hate dupery, why not just tell me the truth?  It's like the man on Match who said his name was Dave in his profile and Curt in his email.  I busted him.  He's changed his profile.

Dear Lord, send me one sweet, normal, non dupery man.  Please.

How It Will It Change?

The question was asked, the answer was given.  My best guy friend in this entire world has asked the woman he loves to be his bride.  I couldn't be happier for him and strangely wistful as that same time.

Mike and I have been friends for 16-17 years; and like any relationship, we've had our ups and downs.  But we have remained friends through the yelling, the slamming of the phone, the unfriending on Facebook.  There have been periods of silence and times of constant contact.

He has encouraged me to follow some of my God given talents like writing and photography.  He's given sage advice, which really has been God speaking through him.  He is my go to guy when my heart is troubled.  He's heard me cry until I was empty.  He empathized with my broken heart. He's talked me down when I've been agitated.  This year, he pulled me right off the edge of the abyss.

I have a healthy respect for marriage and the boundaries that it places on friendships, even more so when it's a friendship between a male and female.   It will all change now and that's why I am so wistful.

I am so very over the moon happy for him.  For almost two decades we've talked about finding that special someone with whom to share our lives.  He finally found her and it's been along time coming.  I haven't met her, but I know I like her because he is happy.  What more can you ask for your friend, other than his or her complete happiness?

I can't imagine my life without my best guy friend in it, but I know that change is coming.